Johnson quotes from Peep Show

In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.

I'm not running a rehab clinic. This is a maximum security business institution.

In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, boom, out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

Stick it on the laterbase!

Print you damnable fudger.

Suze! Have you seen the big scissors? Have you moved the big scissors?

Look, nothing can make today alright but maybe we can take some comfort from the brutal reality that the weak must make way for the strong. Evolution marches on. The scythe is remorseless. I hope the scythe's remorseless swing can bring some comfort to you all.

Is that... normal pooing you're doing?

Mark

Yep, oh yeah.

Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't smell normal.

Mark

It is, honestly.

This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team!

Mark

Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!

Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.

Mark

Great.

Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?

Mark

(Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)

Mark

(Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.) So. [clears throat] Integrating sales and marketing, Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But, look, big picture... so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, m-maybe we should look at, uh, human rights or, or global warming, I mean these are just ideas, but... w-where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything... where is the humanity? [puts a hand on Johnson's shoulder] Old friend. (Shit. I'm crashing and burning. That stupid bloody hippie sold me down the river! Plan B. ...what is plan B?) Right, o-o-okay, you - you can stop the murmuring. Please, s-stop murmuring. Un-unless you think it's nice to murmur a-at someone who's... dying!? (Did I just say that? I did just say that.) Yep, th-th-that's right, I've got brain cancer; half my brain's been eaten away al-already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple who - who's going to be dead within a month! (Uh, plan C. Is there a plan C?!) Ah! Ah, my brain, my poor diseased brain! [falls into a chair, blinking awkwardly]

[stands] Yep... I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.

Did you make the bed? You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay? Righty righty!

Mark

(I made his bed and got his tea, I am his wife!)

Mark

I want to keep a clear head for when I talk to Dobby. Do you think she might be here soon or...

I don't know, Mark. We've been over this, she might pop in. Hmm, fine white wine, ain't that fine.

Mark

(Hmm, he's conned me to his party. Because it's hard to take a legal position on 'might pop in'. Anyone 'might pop in'. Jeffrey Archer, Hugo Chávez, Skinner and Baddiel)

I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.

Mark

Oh, right.

I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?

Mark

(Got to get my dick out of the dog.)