Jeff quotes from Peep Show

Jeff

So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?

Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big gay following. [mimes oral sex]

Jeff

Hello?

Mark

You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.

Jeff

I need to see Soph.

Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -

Mark

Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!

Jeff

Mark, I need to see Sophie.

Mark

I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!

Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.

Jeff

How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Jeff

Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!

Mark

No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!

It isn't bullshit! Let him in!

Jeff

Let me in, Jez! Please!

(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.

Mark

[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?

Sophie

Let him in, Mark.

Mark

[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!

Sophie

Just open the door, we need to talk.

Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -

[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

Dobby

[sings] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet 'cos Jeff's doing a joke!

Jeff

Freak.