Sophie quotes from Peep Show

Sophie

If you don't want to move in after all you don't have to bury me, just send a fucking text!

Mark

How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?

Sophie

Why, do I smell?

Mark

God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

Sophie

Are you sure you can get home from here?

Mark

Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winter's coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)

Sophie

I hope when you're back on my team, we can get back to normal.

Mark

Your team? (Heal and grow. Heal and grow.) Well, I guess it's very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man. I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.

Sophie

Oh, if you're gonna be like that, you can fuck off.

Sophie

Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...

Mark

Right yeah... I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

Sophie

[confused] ...yeah.

Mark

(You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a bloody brief candle.

Mark

Does... does he beat you, Soph?

Sophie

God, no. He broke a plate once, but...

Mark

Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?

Sophie

No, never. It's nothing like that.

Mark

He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.

Sophie

No.

Hey, Soph. You alright?

Sophie

Yeah, just getting my head together.

Mark

Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

Jeff

Hello?

Mark

You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.

Jeff

I need to see Soph.

Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -

Mark

Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!

Jeff

Mark, I need to see Sophie.

Mark

I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!

Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.

Jeff

How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Jeff

Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!

Mark

No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!

It isn't bullshit! Let him in!

Jeff

Let me in, Jez! Please!

(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.

Mark

[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?

Sophie

Let him in, Mark.

Mark

[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!

Sophie

Just open the door, we need to talk.

Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -

[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

Mark

This zip... there's no pocket to this zip!

Sophie

So?

Mark

(So that's the way it is? Let's just put a zip here, a swastika there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?)

Sophie

Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.

No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

Sophie

[to Mark and her father] Hey, nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?

Mark

Oh, just...metal. (And the fact that I don't really love you)

Sophie

Bye. Love you!

Mark

I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

Sophie

...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.

Mark

No, I didn't.

Sophie

Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot.

Mark

That was an accident.

Sophie

No it wasn't.

Mark

But it could have been. I was careful to make sure that it could have been.

Sophie

And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?

Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

Plus, obviously, Sophie mentioned on the phone about the sexual problems in your relationship.

Mark

I-I'm sorry?

The sexual problems in your relationship.

Mark

Oh! R-right. Are - are there...?

Sophie

Um, well, I just feel, I don't know... unfulfilled.

Mark

Unfilled?

Sophie

Unfulfilled.

Mark

Um, r-right, well I... I-I mean... I-I suppose I-I thought that... uh, m-maybe Sophie might be... o-one of those women who-who find it difficult or-or even impossible to, uh, attain, t-to achieve...

Sophie

No, I'm definitely not one of those.

Mark

Right.

What would you say if you felt that you weren't going to be judged?

Sophie

I'd say... I'd say, erm...

Mark

(This isn't going to be good.)

Sophie

Often, um, Mark, you... ejaculate... quite a long time... before I've had time to feel like I've... started to enjoy our sex.

Mark

Uh huh. Thanks for that, Soph. Great, well, I'll... I'll make a note of that. Well, this has been great. Just a great... time. [gets ready to leave]

Mark, it's alright. We've got 45 minutes yet.

Mark

Really? 45 minutes. (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex. Now that's value for money!)

...but first I'm required to ask anyone present who knows the reason why these persons may not lawfully marry to declare it now.

Mark

(Oh please, someone save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?!)

The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is Judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts...

Mark

(He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)

Mark

(Oh great, now she's crying. I probably look like a wife beater. It's not fair! I'm unhappy too!)

Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman...

Mark

("Hortensia"? Oh, this is a fucking disaster. Look at me! I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines!)

...and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?

Mark

I will. (That's it. I've ruined it! I've ruined my life! You only get one life, and I've ruined mine.)

[to Sophie] ...as long as you both shall live?

Mark

(Please don't say "I will".)

Sophie

[sobbing] I will.

Mark

(Uggh!)

Then I now pronounce you man and wife. (both Mark and Sophie weep) You may kiss the bride.

Mark

(Tears of joy. They're tears of joy. That's the line we both stick to, now and for the rest of our miserable lives!)