Peep Show quotes

I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.

Mark

(Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... Knackered.

Mark

What does your sister do?

Toni

Not much. She's got leukaemia.

Mark

(That's what you get for trying to flirt.)

Mark

That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I suppose... I mean, at least it's not cancer.

Toni

It's a form of cancer.

Mark

Man. That's terrible. My gran... died of cancer. Although, hopefully, your sister... won't. Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun.

Mark

You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?

Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

Mark

Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

Super Hans

Oh what? So... Mr... Ocean Colour Pants doesn't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.

Super Hans

It's not who you know... It's who you blow.

Hey look, it's clean shirt.

Mark

(Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?)

Fuck off clean shirt!

You're a posh spaz.

Mark

Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.

In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.

Mark

I do not iron my socks!

Socks, shirts, whatever!

Toni

I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

Listen to you, you beautiful... crazy thing... I meant, the cancer.

I'm sorry? Which cancer?

The bloody cancer! Eating you away!

Ok... Would you like it if I did have cancer?

Mark

See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldn't hold on much longer, many wanted to submit...

Toni

Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.

Mark

No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And that's the story of Stalingrad.

Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually physically couldn't do it.

Mark

How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?

Sophie

Why, do I smell?

Mark

God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

We are NOT the Hair Blair Bunch!