Mark quotes from Peep Show

Mark

Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?

Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.

You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.

Mark

Right, look, this is a very complex business proposal so I really don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.

If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line then they're too diffuse.

Mark

Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse, okay?!

Fine! Jesus! They just might be too diffuse. That was all I was saying...

Mark

(Great... Now I'm getting an angry lap dance... Brilliant...)

Mark

You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?

Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?

Mark

This piece of paper says that I am fucked.

Oh. That's horrible, who sent you that?

Mark

It's my plan for Project Zeus

Let's have a look.

Mark

That's what I've got to go through that door and pitch to the entire JLB board in 10 minutes.

Shit.

Mark

I'm about to walk into a boardroom gangbang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.

Maybe you should run away.

Mark

Right, thanks Jez.

Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?

Mark

Right, well, in this case there would be repercussions.

What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!

Mark

I suppose I could... run away.

Do it, man!! (I think that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)

Mark

(God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket! Or I could join al-Qaeda! Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer! I do think in a weird way we had a connection... fuck the Blockbuster's fine, I'm going clear!)

Jeremy

(Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams, but it's a start.)

Mark

(Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.) So. [clears throat] Integrating sales and marketing, Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But, look, big picture... so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, m-maybe we should look at, uh, human rights or, or global warming, I mean these are just ideas, but... w-where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything... where is the humanity? [puts a hand on Johnson's shoulder] Old friend. (Shit. I'm crashing and burning. That stupid bloody hippie sold me down the river! Plan B. ...what is plan B?) Right, o-o-okay, you - you can stop the murmuring. Please, s-stop murmuring. Un-unless you think it's nice to murmur a-at someone who's... dying!? (Did I just say that? I did just say that.) Yep, th-th-that's right, I've got brain cancer; half my brain's been eaten away al-already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple who - who's going to be dead within a month! (Uh, plan C. Is there a plan C?!) Ah! Ah, my brain, my poor diseased brain! [falls into a chair, blinking awkwardly]

[stands] Yep... I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.

Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?

Mark

I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not away from Sophie, just... without her.

.....

Mark

You should join too. You get a free pen!

Matt

Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it? Do you want it?

Mark

NO!

Matt

What?

Mark

No, I don't want it, alright? Fuck off! You've made it too hard, I can hardly fucking pedal! No mountain is this hard, it's just not realistic!

Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr. Corrigan.

Mark

Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.

Matt

Mark why are you saying this? I don't understand.

Mark

B-because... because it's true.

Matt

Please don't do this! This is my career!

You should've thought about that when you were touching his cock.

Matt

Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!

Mark

He thinks we can't hide here forever.

He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?

Mark

Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.

Mark

You gave him a hand?

Jeremy

Yeah.

Mark

Shit. (I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!)

Cheer up, Mark. At least now you've got a funny story to tell people.

Mark

Yes. No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. (One that I'll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.)

Plus, obviously, Sophie mentioned on the phone about the sexual problems in your relationship.

Mark

I-I'm sorry?

The sexual problems in your relationship.

Mark

Oh! R-right. Are - are there...?

Sophie

Um, well, I just feel, I don't know... unfulfilled.

Mark

Unfilled?

Sophie

Unfulfilled.

Mark

Um, r-right, well I... I-I mean... I-I suppose I-I thought that... uh, m-maybe Sophie might be... o-one of those women who-who find it difficult or-or even impossible to, uh, attain, t-to achieve...

Sophie

No, I'm definitely not one of those.

Mark

Right.

What would you say if you felt that you weren't going to be judged?

Sophie

I'd say... I'd say, erm...

Mark

(This isn't going to be good.)

Sophie

Often, um, Mark, you... ejaculate... quite a long time... before I've had time to feel like I've... started to enjoy our sex.

Mark

Uh huh. Thanks for that, Soph. Great, well, I'll... I'll make a note of that. Well, this has been great. Just a great... time. [gets ready to leave]

Mark, it's alright. We've got 45 minutes yet.

Mark

Really? 45 minutes. (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex. Now that's value for money!)

Can I get a metre of vodka...with an inch of tonic?

Mark

(Come on, Mark, turn it on! Play the game!) Oh, er, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational...er, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind (Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.)

Warp factor 3 please, Scotty!

Mark

(Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)

What do you think of her? Honestly.

Mark

(I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.) I think she's... lovely.