Dobby quotes from Peep Show

Dobby

Wicked, hitching! Well one of us is definitely going to get murdered. Probably bloody me, it's usually the girl.

Mark

By the way, is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail addresses?

Dobby

Why, what have you been getting?

Mark

Ah, just the usual... crap.

Dobby

[reading] You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...

Mark

It's just mates and that.

Dobby

[still reading] Fuck off and shut up and die?

Mark

Yeah they're pretty funny.

Dobby

Arseholes.

Mark

Erm...you'll, you'll have to...move.

Dobby

Yeah, I should move, but...I might not move. [begins to rub her bottom against Mark's crotch]

Mark

(Is she shifting her bum against my area?) Are you sure you don't wanna get out of the way?

Dobby

I'm alright.

Mark

(What if someone comes in? Should step away. Step away from the bum. Bit impolite to step away, I don't want to step away.)

Dobby

I got some feta today.

Mark

Oh, feta? That's a sheep's cheese isn't it?

Dobby

I don't know.

Mark

Yeah, I believe so. (This is possibly the most exciting thing that has happended to anyone ever. Does she know what she's doing? Is she just innocently waggling her bum around and I'm getting illegal benefit? I'm not doing a sexual assault am I? You can't do a sexual assault if you stay still like a statue. I'm just a statue, a dirty, filthy statue. Oh God, I'm getting very... Captain Corrigan if flying without a licence! Oh Jesus, it's too much, I'm going to blow my beans! I'm going to do a Chesil Beach! Don't let her know!) A-ah...!

Dobby

Are you okay?

Mark

I'm fine, but sorry, I should be going 'cause you know, the world turns on its axis, one man works while another relaxes. Ah, Post-its.

Mark

I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.

Dobby

Is that what you call the stationery cupboard?

Dobby

[sings] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet 'cos Jeff's doing a joke!

Jeff

Freak.

Mark

Condom, condom, condom. Although maybe, two?

Dobby

Two condoms?

Mark

Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. Three is the magic number. (I've got to tell her. I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'll be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm.)

Dobby

Hey Mark!!

Mark

Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

Mark

Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set.

Dobby

It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week?

Mark

Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe we should... go out?

Dobby

Where to?

Mark

To... not the theatre obviously, but... the National Army Museum?

Dobby

You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed and watch FlashFoward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers?

Dobby

Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm too big to fail.

Mark

He doesn't know what that means.

I do know what that means.

Mark

(He doesn't know what that means.)

Mark

What did he die of?

Dobby

Flu.

Mark

He died of flu? Hey, Jeremy, Gerrard's died of flu.

Bull-shit

Mark

Seriously.

Bloody hell, that is SO Gerrard.

Mark

I know.

Dobby

He had a weak immune system Mark.

He had a weak everything, to be fair Dobs.

Dobby

We will do this for real, right? We will go interrailing?

Mark

(Ohh, she's insatiable. I don't want to sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.) Yeah, sure.