Mark quotes from Peep Show

Mark

[Right, you shit! It's mutually assured destruction!] Suze, I'm afraid I have to inform you that Jeremy has or may have a sexually transmitted disease. I'm sorry I had to tell you...

Mark! Shut up!

Big Suze

Is it AIDS?

Course it's not AIDS, this isn't the 80s. It's the best STD, just cute old mostly symptomless Chlamydia.

Mark

You know Jez... I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked... You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up my only relationship. Everything's just completely fucked.

You have been thinking this for a while, haven't you?

Mark

What? You don't have to be a paedophile to want to work with children.

Jeremy

But it probably helps.

Mark

I spent five happy years in the scouts! And never once...

Jeremy

[Interrupting] You told me kinky Leyton was all over you.

Mark

Yeah, alright Leyton was a bit of a paedo. just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run around the camp in your pants... But it was old style paedoing, before it got such a bad name. (Of course, Leyton only ever really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt).

Mark

Mmmm. Why toast when you can roast?

Another roast? That's the third today.

Mark

What's nicer than a roast?

Yeah, but, chain-eating roasts?

Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... that I think you're a real piece of shit.

Mark

Oh... OK. (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.)

Mark

By the way, is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail addresses?

Dobby

Why, what have you been getting?

Mark

Ah, just the usual... crap.

Dobby

[reading] You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...

Mark

It's just mates and that.

Dobby

[still reading] Fuck off and shut up and die?

Mark

Yeah they're pretty funny.

Dobby

Arseholes.

Mark

Erm...you'll, you'll have to...move.

Dobby

Yeah, I should move, but...I might not move. [begins to rub her bottom against Mark's crotch]

Mark

(Is she shifting her bum against my area?) Are you sure you don't wanna get out of the way?

Dobby

I'm alright.

Mark

(What if someone comes in? Should step away. Step away from the bum. Bit impolite to step away, I don't want to step away.)

Dobby

I got some feta today.

Mark

Oh, feta? That's a sheep's cheese isn't it?

Dobby

I don't know.

Mark

Yeah, I believe so. (This is possibly the most exciting thing that has happended to anyone ever. Does she know what she's doing? Is she just innocently waggling her bum around and I'm getting illegal benefit? I'm not doing a sexual assault am I? You can't do a sexual assault if you stay still like a statue. I'm just a statue, a dirty, filthy statue. Oh God, I'm getting very... Captain Corrigan if flying without a licence! Oh Jesus, it's too much, I'm going to blow my beans! I'm going to do a Chesil Beach! Don't let her know!) A-ah...!

Dobby

Are you okay?

Mark

I'm fine, but sorry, I should be going 'cause you know, the world turns on its axis, one man works while another relaxes. Ah, Post-its.

Mark

Hi Soph, how are you? How are you feeling?

Sophie

Well... I want to give things another go.

Mark

You... you do?

Sophie

No, of course I fucking don't!

Mark

I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.

Dobby

Is that what you call the stationery cupboard?

Mark

Recognise this, Jeremy?! I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside! [holds up a post-it note] "Look, I know what you think happened and yes you're right I have eaten all your ice cream." This is it. This is the line. You have crossed the line!

Read the mitigating circumstances. There are loads.

Mark

Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK. But not shower gel. And no razors. If you're poor, grow a beard. Tea Bags are allowed within limits.

Limits? What Limits?

Mark

No making a pie out of tea or anything weird.

Look Mark, lay off, will you? The thing is... and, I keep meaning to tell you this, but, basically, a few years ago, mummy gave me a nest egg, and I kept on meaning to... invest, but it turns out, I've spent it.

Mark

You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg 'til it hatches, not eat it like some greedy mad chicken. Well, the solution's obvious: get a job!

Yeah, fine, whatever, but it's difficult, you know? There just aren't that many media positions out there. That's the reality.

Mark

So? Do something else. Get on your bike.

I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.

Mark

You have to pay rent, Jeremy, that needs to happen.

Mark

Put the sausage back! I'm deadly serious! Y-you never pay any rent - if you start stealing from me as well, that's it, you'll have to move out. This is the final straw!

(Mmm... Delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy.)

Mark

Ah, the results are in! What does the swingometer say?!

Well, I'm afraid you've got no matches for dating...

Mark

What?!! None?! But number 23 said she was definitely going to tick! That's a verbal contract!

Well, maybe you could take her to court

Mark

Yeah, speed dating! I'd be better off speed skating! (Doesn't really work. But she gets the point. I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.) Ohhh, Saz, she implied she might be ticking. Maybe she did tick! Maybe the data wasn't collated correctly! Maybe she's my hanging chad

Mark

I've been thinking ... it's been great having you here. But you've done the south now - the London Eye, the Trocadero - so you probably want to be heading up north. [...] There's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds that everyone goes on about, as if it's the answer to something.

Don't kick me out, Marco.

Mark

There's an ANZAC memorial in Huddersfield.

Super Hans

It's a pisser though, innit - cancer. They should find a fucking cure.

Mark

I think they're trying.

Super Hans

Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.

Super Hans

I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?

Mark

A river.

Super Hans

Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Mark

I think that's the wrong answer section.

Super Hans

Fuck this shit!