Parks and Recreation · Season 1
You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.
Don't do that.
Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.
Don't use excessive force.
Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.
Nope.
No, just stop him.
[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized]
PIKITIS!
We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been somebody else.
It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?
That doesn't mean anything to me.
This is a peach pit!
Okay.
He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!
We don't have a lab...
Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave.
Oh, Okay.
This isn't that fun.
Didn't need to tell me that.
I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Why don't you just shut up for a second!
What's going on in here?
He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say to a human being!
Are you crying?
I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!
Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night?
Because I followed you genius!
If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me! Knope! What is your problem!?
Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!
[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house]
Leslie! What are you doing?
Oh boy.
That's them officer! Right there!
Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!
Why are you doing this!?
It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the address wrong!
I'm Greg's Mom.
...You are?
Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of trouble?
What!?
Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB! Greg! Gregory!
I knew it!
Oh my God!
Dude! That kid is amazing!
[After catching Greg defacing the statue]
How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!
Maybe the FBI can figure it out.
Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!
Wow. You're amazing.
Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.
He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.
Well we'll let the jury decide.
There's not going to be a jury...
Then the Judge will decide where he goes!
He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...
Dave just let me have this!
News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.
Punk ass book jockeys!
Wait why do we hate the library?
The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.
The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?
Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.
Am I? I am.
I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.
Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shushing.
Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.
I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?
No.
What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love what's the point of living?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
