Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-
I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something Ann! It never works!
No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.
Ohhh! That's a way better idea!
You're 20 minutes late, I almost left!
Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off.
What's your niece's name?
Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece...My niece's name is Stephanie?
Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.
That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
Oh snap!
What?
You didn't know that, huh?
...I didn't know I was adopted...
What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.
They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
[cut to Leslie being interviewed]
Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.
Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is blank.
Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
How big is it?
...Really!?
Oh my God.
Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
Well well well, you coy bastard.
Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at a guys house late at night...
Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's video...That I took...On the internet!
Hey can I smoke in here?
You don't smoke.
Just asking if I can.
Are you high?
I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!
...Ron I am so so so sorry!
What the ka-fuck were you thinking?
[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages]
[beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city hall...or call me back. Just call me back!
[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer? It's because of your lawyer.
[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall...
[beep] HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN!
[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall.
Hmm that was weird.
How long have you been there!?
I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.
Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.
[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school]
Greg Pikitis.
You're the parks lady right?
Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here to tell you that this year, it ends.
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I really feel like it's this kid!
[Cut back to Leslie and Greg]
Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a cop. So don't even try it!
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day.
[Leslie starts walking away]
Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great.
Thank you...Ends today!
Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!
Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.
That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.
In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.
[At the statue of Mayor Percy]
Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.
Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?
[sigh] He wasn't Superman.
He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?
No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?
...Yes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
