Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.
You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.
Excuse me?
You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.
That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and I'll see you in Hell!
I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.
Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.
Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.
So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.
You slept with Brendanawicz?
...No!
It's really good to see you Ron.
You've aged horribly.
You...son of a bitch!
That didn't take long.
Oh my God! What is your problem?! Nothing's changed has it!?
We didn't talk. We made love.
Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—
It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?
Yeah...
Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.
This seems like a private matter, but I'm—
That woman really knows her way around a penis.
Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
...
I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really who cares?
I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?
But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega-church.
...Or a library.
...Nobody said library.
Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?
No, I swear on...a grave.
Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?
Not giving. We have discussed a trade.
For what!?
[mumbles something]
Excuse me?
...More sex.
I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
Leslie that's crazy...and correct.
Why are you doing this?
Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
[being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt!?
Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.
You've gotta help me break up with her.
I don't think I should get involved in this.
Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"
So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or would you rather wait outside?
In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.
Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted plant. Can you do that?
So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.
Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?
She volunteered.
Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.
I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.
God Ron, you have to!
Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is all about.
No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.
Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.
For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—
You said "murinal!"
[Everyone laughs]
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.
Anyway, she—
Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?
Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.
[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated]
...Just wanted to show you my art...
Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!
Disqualified!
[cut to Jerry being interviewed]
It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—
[from other room] No one cares! At all!
Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision: we're playing it safe.
The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office.
Not all the guys. He's never taken me.
Fine. All the men.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
