Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Hey. Why are you all dolled up?
Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something...
Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.
Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!
[drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.
Have fun last night?
I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my actual bra size.
...
I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!
Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee Today.
Wow that's huge! What's the topic?
You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your resignation.
No!
You gotta go on and defend yourself.
Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.
That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.
...That was me.
So Marcia what's all this fuss about?
The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.
Miss Knope, how do you respond?
I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.
I have to say that that stunt that you did with the penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss Knope do to make it right?
Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.
Of course not.
We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and then resign.
[sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?
Move to a different town! No, I kid.
I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.
When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office]
Do you live here?
April?
Yeah. Do you live here?
No.
Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you so I came back.
It's just a minor medical issue.
AIDS?
...No I'm safe.
Blindness?
...No.
Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?
I have a hernia.
Do you have syphilis?
I said it's a hernia.
I know. It's possible to have two things.
I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.
[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him to the hospital. April enters.]
Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?
I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?
You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change it for...obvious reasons.
Councilman Dexhart [at his press conference] And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. In my defense, it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey hi there! What are you doing here?
Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a game that we're playing.
...My taxes pay your salary right?
Yeah...
Cool.
And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."
Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?
Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.
What about like a sexy hat?
I don't know what that even is.
Helping already!
Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?
Shoot!
What if he asks me if I've been married?
Have you!?
No.
Well then say that.
But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?
Whoa.
What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
