[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent]
[standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am Leslie Knope, Deputy-
I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here.
[Leslie awkwardly sits down]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your accounts. And your home.
...Is that necessary?
Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?
EEveryone
...
[to Andy] You. What is your name?
...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...
Really?
No...Andy Dwyer.
Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to put it in my car. Ms. Knope!
Yes!?
You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.
Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle royale. It's super fun-
Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in Terre Haute.
...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.
Now! You're not getting any younger.
Yes ma'am...
[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]
Good morning everyone!
Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] Ron! Your mustache fell off!
Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.
What?
[to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?
...What?
What is going on? Where's Tammy one?
She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.
[sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?
...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.
Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.
Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between you and me. Right my love?
Stop fidgeting.
Sorry.
I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.
Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.
Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and you need to go.
[chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?
Remember to wash your hands!
[Ron gets up and leaves]
Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] Who's this tall drink of water?
Andy...
Hey Andy. How's it hanging?
Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?
Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
Eww!
Could we take a peek at it?
Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.
Leslie Oh my God!
I think I have an idea that can save Ron.
Andy...
Don't joke around.
I...have ideas too...
[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom]
Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!
Why do you have so many guns?
This is America isn't it?
Yes...
Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing on my own property! Let's go!
Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.
It's time to settle this.
Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!
Pour it. I'm thirsty.
Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]
[To Tammy One] Had enough?
Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
Leslie you don't have to do this.
Shhh go to bed Jimmy.
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
She's had enough. Call it off.
That's not how it works. She's out.
Wait, I'm subbing in.
April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [April takes a swig of the liquor, but spits it out in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
Okay! This ends now! [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement in 15 seconds] Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.
Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.
That's decoy gold! Do you think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.
[Tammy One walks out]
Ron...your family's weird...
Welcome to Thoughts For Your Thoughts. I'm Derry Murbles, filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since.
I wrote a book. The First Historical Guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!
Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
...One could say that...but should one?
Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like your phones?
[while texting] I've never used a phone in my life.
I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.
In what way?
In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.
After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Pawnee!
We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!
[music starts and dancers come out]
Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!
I could leave. I could, but I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, dammit! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.