Parks and Recreation quotes

I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to know the truth about where you were born.

Leslie

Okay. Well-

Chris

Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many of you were actually born in Pawnee?

Chris

..Fair enough.

Leslie

No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here.

If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?

Leslie

Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me-

Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you came from!

Leslie

I am back from where I came from!

That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China!

Joan

When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.

Ben

...That never happened.

Tom

So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?

Joan

Santino and I are actually divorcing.

Tom

Oh...

Joan

It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

Ben

That's a...powerful metaphor...

Joan

Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things... if you know what I mean.

Ben

Is she going to powder her vagina?

Ann

Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.

Ann

Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.

April

...The internet.

Ann

I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?

April

Prison.

Ann

How's your sister doing?

April

She has the shingles.

Ann

Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?

April

Alf.

Ann

And nine seconds with Ron.

Ann

You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring with you?

Ron

Silence...

Ann

...

Tom

So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.

Ben

Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

Joan

[drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.

Leslie

Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort, probably.

Ron

Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature.

Andy

And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.

Ron

Thank you Andy.

Andy

Brother Nature.

Leslie

To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle."

Leslie

And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!"

Ann

Oh. I wasn't competing for that.

Leslie

I'll say!

Leslie

Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.

Ron

It's not a competition.

Leslie

Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors!

Ron

I have no problem with strong women Leslie!

Leslie

[still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my haird...

Donna

What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?

Ben

Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.

Leslie

Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft time? Lauren?

I made a Gertrude Stein!

Leslie

Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow that. Ann?

Ann

Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters.

...

Ann

I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws dolls in the fire]

Leslie

Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important.

Tom

Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?

Donna

Clothes.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Fragrances.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Massages.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Mimosas.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

Fine. Leather. Goods.

Tom

Treat Yo Self!

Donna

It's the best day of the year.

[singing] The Best Day Of The Year!

Ron

You are defecting?

I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and eat beans.

Ron

Those beans were a reward.

Donna

Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base.

Leslie

Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by proving that we were better than them!

What about a public forum? You always say there's no better solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum!

Leslie

...[quietly] Great idea Lauren.

What was that?

Leslie

I said great idea Lauren!