Rodney Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Boycie!

Trigger

Is that Dave?

Yeah.

[It is indeed Rodney leading the funeral prosession in full Chief Mourner's gear he looks up and sees Del.]

Rodney

You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Rodney, please show some respect.

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Rodney

Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!

Mr Jahan did.

Grieving relatives did.

The Flying Eye did.

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Rodney

How can you be sure it ain't been found? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold.

(talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time.

Albert

What if the police found it?

I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers.

Rodney

(incredulous) You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers?

Albert

Why, what are they like?

Rodney

Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies; Biggs and Kray! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions?

No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!

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All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.

Rodney

Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!

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Rodney

This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...

And fifteen minutes from the ground.

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Well it was one Sunday many years ago!

Rodney

Where was I?

You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.

Rodney

You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.

It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.

Rodney

What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.

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Jevon! Jevon!

JJevon

What?

See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time.

JJevon

You're one hell of a man, Mickey.

Rodney

Mickey, are you doing this for charity?

What d'you mean?

Rodney

Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.

I'm telling you the truth, Rodney!

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I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?

Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!

Rodney

Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?

Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.

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[Del has just taken delivery of several boxes of blow up dolls, thinking they were children's dolls.]

Rodney

Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.

You can't have dolls with names like that.

Rodney

You can if you go to the right shops!

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[The Trotters discover the blow up dolls.]

Bloody hell! What have we got ourselves into here?

Rodney

Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!

That's because I've got a high profile!

Rodney

Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

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[Albert doesn't quite understand the concept of the blow up dolls.]

They're big for little dolls, ain't they?

Rodney

Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.

(starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?

Rodney

Albert, have a day off, will you?! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.

You're pulling my leg!

Rodney

Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)

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No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!

Rodney

Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?

No, I haven't actually read them. Why?

Rodney

Well why don't you do that small thing, Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting, because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why your machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe.

But we are in Europe. We're in the common market, aren't we?

Rodney

Yes, I know that, but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why your machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."

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Rodney

Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?

Albert

It's cause I can't get any food in that freezer! It's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.

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[Del, Rodney, and Cassandra have arrived in Spain.]

Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.

Well he did win, didn't he?

[Rodney is staring, distracted, at all the other winners]

Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...

So what's the problem?

Rodney

That's strange, you know.

What?

Rodney

Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.

What's strange about that?

Rodney

Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.

No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.

What do you mean?

Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.

Rodney

(stunned) Say again?

So they think Rodney's 15?!

Rodney

Is that right?

No. They think you're 14.

Rodney

14? (to Cassandra) They think I'm 14!!!

[Cassandra dissolves into giggles.]

Rodney

Why didn't you tell me this back in England?

Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.

Rodney

But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?

Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!

Rodney

Waltz through it?! How the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!

[Cassandra is beside herself with laughter.]

Rodney

(icily) Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?