Rodney Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney

Oh great man.

Del

Oi Ringo. I hope my huffing and puffing ain't troubling you.

Rodney

No sweat man.

Del

Well it certainly ain't coming from you ya lazy little git.

Marlene

Did you have a nice Christmas?

Del

Oh, terrific, yeah.

Marlene

I had a dog.

Rodney

Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

Rodney

Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie He turns round sharply IT'S BOYCIE!

Del

Boycie. Where is he. Has he come back early or something?

Rodney

So where are you phoning from then Boyce? You're still over there.

Del

Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?

Rodney

Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?

Rodney

(upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!

Albert

That's supposed to be a sign of something.

Rodney

Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.

Denzil

You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.

Rodney

No!

Denzil

Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.

Rodney

He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.

Del

Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?

Rodney

That weren't you, was it?

No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.

I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.

Rodney

He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.

Del

Rodney, I was up there for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dymchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!

Rodney

Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.

Del

No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple!

Rodney

You're kidding!

Del

I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!

Rodney

It got nothing to do with me, Del! It's was a Micky Pearce production!

Del

Micky Pearce! You wait till I get a hold of him, I'm gonna stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril!

Del

Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!

Rodney

Sacrifices? For me?

Del

Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...

Rodney

Don't start again.

Del

When she died, who stood by you?

Rodney

Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"

Del

And I did, didn't I?

(to Rodney) "So what's your name?

Rodney

It's Rodney.

Trigger

(shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?

Rodney

No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.

Rodney

Oi! Where'd you get that gun?

Del

Iggy Higgins.

Rodney

Iggy Higgins robs banks.

Del

Yeah I know but it's Saturday, innit.

Rodney

Albert, did...

Albert

They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.