Rodney Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney

Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.

Cassandra

What bad language?

Rodney

(through the door to Del) GET IN HERE NOW, YOU DIPSTICK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Rodney

Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition!

Del

Second? You was in the lead when I saw you!

Rodney

...I fell off.

Del

There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.

Uncle Albert

When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.

Del

"You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!

Rodney

I thought it was only women who got that?

Del

No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.

The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.

Del

Aubrey?

Boycie

I am here.

Rodney

Aubrey?

Boycie

It's my middle name.

Trigger

You never said your name was Aubrey.

Boycie

Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie

Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert

Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del

Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney

Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike

The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger

He's low on something.

Boycie

(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del

All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie

You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

Del

You know who that is don't ya?

Trigger

Sounds like Jimmy Savile

Del

Jimmy Savile? That is our mother

Trigger

Sorry Del Boy. Dave.

Rodney

[scornfully] Jimmy Savile.

Del

That's right bruv. Cheek.

Rodney

You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".

Del

Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy

What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?

Del

Well, yuppies.

Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!

Del

You are Steven.

No, no I'm...

Del

No take it from me son, you are!

Uncle Albert

I remember once just after the war.

Rodney

Oh don't start, Unc!

Mickey

We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Del

Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!

Uncle Albert

I fought for free speech!

Del

(to Albert, venomously) Shut up!

Del

How many people can you see standing there?

Uncle Albert

Well... one.

Del

I can see - two.

Rodney

You know what that means, Albert?

Uncle Albert

No.

Rodney

Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

Raquel

You bastard! You just walked out and left us!

Del

What else could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?

Raquel

Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations", and "The Gween Gween Gwass of Home"!

Rodney

And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! [bursts out laughing]

Del

[coldly] That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!

We signed a contwact.

Del

Ah yes, but my brother drew up that contract, and he put in a get out clause, didn't you, Rodney?

Rodney

No.

Del

Then why didn't you?

Rodney

You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.

Roy Slater

Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?

Rodney

I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?

Raquel

(when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.

Rodney

Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?

Del

Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?

Rodney

There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.

Boycie

That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!

Rodney

They were yesterday's newspapers!

Del

Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.

Raquel

There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.

Rodney

That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.

Del

Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.

Rodney

I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

Del

Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger

They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.

Mike

So what happened Trig?

Trigger

He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert

What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger

Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.

Del

But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney

No! Who held the whip-round?

Del

All the passengers on his bus.