Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

In which state was President Kennedy in when he was assassinated in 1963?

Del

Well he was in a terrible state, he died.

(to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.

Raquel

Oh did he?

Rodney

Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.

Raquel

Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.

Del

(on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!

Raquel

Well that's the theory, anyway.

Del

One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.

Rodney

It's canard.

Del

You can say that again bruv!

Rodney

No the French word for duck is canard.

Del

Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?

Rodney

No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.

Del

Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?

Rodney

A l'Orange!

Del

What, the same as we do?

Rodney

Yes.

Del

Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?

Rodney

Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village of the Damned!

Del

I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!

Del

We're just gonna have to let him go then.

Rodney

We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?

Denzil

Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!

Rodney

Don't be stupid, Denzil.

Del

Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?

Del

Well Boycie, I hope you won't take offence and what I'm about to say, but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden.

Boycie

How dare you! Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much I've spent on that garden! You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?

Raquel

Who is he?

Del

His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. Anyway, one day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.

Cassandra

And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?

Rodney

He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.

Cassandra

So, how are you similar?

Rodney

We're about the same height.

Raquel

And you've known all these years?

Del

No. Well...at least, not when Rodney was a baby. But...when you get to 20, and your 6-year-old brother is taller than you, it makes you think, don't it? I never knew really who he was. As a youngster, I was told to call him "Uncle Fred". And then a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do... It was a wet corset contest. Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mum. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house, except for a couple of close-ups.

Raquel

Well, yeah. But, I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.

Del

No. He only used to take money and things that he could sell. Then Uncle Albert told me...it was my Aunt Reenie who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and my Aunt Reenie knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities, so she burnt them.

Raquel

Do you think Rodney knows?

Del

Can I ask you a question, Rodders?

Rodney

Fire away.

Del

Where did that runway come from?

Rodney

I don't fancy making that film now.

Del

You know what, Rodders? That's a bloody good idea! (both Trotter Brothers laugh)

Rodney

That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!

Raquel

Good evening, Rodney.

Rodney

I have never been so insulted in my life!

Del

Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!

Raquel

Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.

Del

Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.

Del

(in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom) You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a lady, and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ready to, she will let me know.

Rodney

How?

Del

She'll give me a sign.

Rodney

Like what?

Del

I don't know?

Rodney

Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the Sunday Sport, eh?

Erm, it's gone midnight!

Del

(waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.

Del

Look, is there anything I can do to help?

Rodney

Yes, piss off!