Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

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Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie He turns round sharply IT'S BOYCIE!

Del

Boycie. Where is he. Has he come back early or something?

So where are you phoning from then Boyce? You're still over there.

[Dell sighs with relief]

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Del

Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?

Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?

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I can't swim, Del.

Del

You used to be a sailor.

Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.

Del

Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?

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[Del, Rodney, and Albert are sailing on a boat to Holland, and end up lost in the middle of the North Sea.]

He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.

Del

Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

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Del

Can't you just find The Bear?

Well what does it look like?

Del

Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

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Del

Holland?!

GMGas Man

What!

Del

Which way to Holland?!

GMGas Man

It's over there!

Del

Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.

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Del

We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.

AAbdul

And that's how you got to Hull?

Del

No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!

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FOFather O'Keith

So to what do I owe this honour?

Del

I have come to confess my sins.

FOFather O'Keith

Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.

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FOFather O'Keith

Have you ever been to this church before?

Del

Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.

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[Del, Rodney, and Albert are paying for their grocery shopping]

CGCheckout Girl

(surly) £29.48.

Del

Sorry?

CGCheckout Girl

(even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.

Del

Did you sue them?

CGCheckout Girl

Who?

Del

The Charm School!

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[Rodney starts creeping up to the desk, looking like he's going to steal the gun from Lennox.]

Del

Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?

Come back and sit down, son!

PMr. Peterson (store manager)

What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!

[Rodney goes to the desk and picks up the cigarettes instead of the gun and looks very pleased with himself.]

Del

You plonker!

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[Del proves to know little about hang-gliding.]

AAndy

We've got some great thermals today.

Del

Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.

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[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]

Del

This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.

Trigger

Still, it could have been worse.

Mike

How?

Trigger

My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.

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[After Del accidentally reveals that he was pretending to be paralyzed to make Rodney feel guilty.]

Del

Rodney, I was up there for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dymchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!

Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.

Del

No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple!

You're kidding!

Del

I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!