Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

(about her son Jason) I think he misses his dad.

Del

Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...

You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?

Del

He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.

What do you mean? All mixed up?

Del

No, he's thick and fruity.

Del

What are you up to, Mickey?

Mickey Pearce

I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.

Del

Really? Go on then, say something.

Mickey Pearce

Eh?

Del

Say something in Aikido.

Mickey Pearce

No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night!

Del

What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son!

Mickey Pearce

That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.

Del

Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit!

Rodney

(about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!

Del

Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!

Rodney

Bloody hell!

Del

Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt, your wife would have been your second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.

Albert

(heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?

Del

No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!

Albert

Yeah but - I'm his brother!

Del

Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.

Albert

I understand, Del.

Del

No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.

Rodney

Oi, where'd you want these then?

Del

Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.

Del

Get over it?! What a plonker you really are, Rodney. Get over it - I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!

Rodney

(whispers) I'm sorry.

Del

I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.

In the same glass?

Del

No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.

Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.

Uncle Albert

[shaking his head at Rodney] They must have seen him coming! [Del enters, glaring at Rodney]

Del

Morning unc.

Albert

Morning son.

Del

What's it like out?

Albert

Oh it's parky Del.

Del

Nice thick frost, is there?

Albert

Bit slippery under foot.

Del

Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?

Albert

Bit of sleet yeah.

Del

Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?

Albert

Cuts right through yer, Del.

Del

Lovely. 'Cause you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing! Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got sun tan lotion! And we ain't just got a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quid's worth of the stuff!

Rodney

I told you before, I bought it as an investment.

Del

An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!

Rodney

The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!

Del

Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!

Rodney

You won't give me no credit, will ya?

Albert

Nor will that Paki.

Rodney

Shut up Albert!

Albert

Nothing to do with me.

Del

That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!

Rodney

Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?

Del

(incredulous) How were you supposed to know that!? You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!

Rodney

Throw that at me now, will ya?

Del

Oh, look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.

Albert

Well it can't be that bad, Del. There must be something you can knock out.

Del

Yeah. I know what I would like to knock out! [glowers at Rodney]

Albert

What's in the van?

Del

Nothing.

Albert

What's in the garage?

Rodney

The van.

Del

The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm still waiting for a comeback on that!

Rodney

[gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!

Albert

What's he on about now!?

Del

Oh, I don't know!

Rodney

Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!

Del

Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!

Rodney

I've been thinking...

Del

Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

Rodney

(after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.

Del

How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.

Del

The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.

I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?

Del

He keeps forgetting he can't walk.

Del

The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta. And what was it the insurance companies nicknamed him?!

Rodney

The Ferret.

Del

The Ferret!

Rodney

He's had fifteen previous lawsuits for falling down holes.

Del

Those are the known cases, Rodney! How many times has, you know, a landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? [Albert joins them in his wheelchair; an irate Del blows cigar smoke in his face] Come on, then! How many pubs, off-licenses and drinking clubs have you done in your time?!

Albert

Well, quite a few, Del. [Del makes a furious noise] The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest. But because I'd learned to fall properly, I didn't hurt myself, but I still got compensation and I thought 'This is handy!' So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob, I'd go and fall down a hole. I was only trying to help, Del.

Rodney

[incredulous] "Only trying to help"?! I was nearly done for contempt for court, [points to Del] his name has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only trying to help?!

Albert

I said I'm sorry, Rodney. I didn't want to do it; I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark. But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well, repay you. [voice breaks] And I wanted to get your grandad his headstone. [Del and Rodney turn to him, surprised]

Del

[genuinely moved] You did this for Grandad's headstone?

Albert

He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid, he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now.

We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Rodney

Yeah!

Del

Why do you want to be superstars then?

Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

Del

I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."

Rodney

She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?

Del

What?

Rodney

Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!

Del

You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!

Rodney

No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"

Del

Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

Rodney

Oh great man.

Del

Oi Ringo. I hope my huffing and puffing ain't troubling you.

Rodney

No sweat man.

Del

Well it certainly ain't coming from you ya lazy little git.