Only Fools and Horses quotes

Rodney

(telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home) Del, you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.

Del

You what? You pranny!!!!

Del

God! I don't believe it. I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.

Rodney

Me? You were driving it.

Del

Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! (shouting at the car behind) What's your game pal. What is your game, are you blind or something?

I'm very sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky... You! I've been looking for you two flaming Gollahs all day long... Now come here!

Del

What do you mean "won't see us arrive" I want people to see me arrive

Rodney

In a three wheeled van? Still got no choice have we?

Del

Yes we have. We can take Boycie's E type Jaguar

Rodney

Are you all right, Del? I thought you was in bother!

Del

That's why it took you an hour and a half to come! Didn't Grandad tell you that I'd called?

Rodney

Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians!" he said. I didn't know whether to call the police or the Texas Rangers!

(to Del and Rodney) Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one single item that remains of my birthright. It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know who Kuvera is?

Yeah.

Del

You don't know who Kuvera is!

Rodney

Well he was, er, I don't know.

Del

See what I mean Mr. Rahn, he's got 2 O-Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Gascoigne's vest.

Rodney

Alright mastermind, who is he?

Del

Kuvera was one of India's Premier Wicket Keepers.

Rodney

You berk!

Kuvera is the Hindu God of Wealth.

Where's your watch Derek?

Del

It's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know volleyball.

I thought you were right-handed.

Del

No, I'm ambiguous.

If I got into my car at 9:00 in the morning, it'd take me up to 2 in the afternoon to drive around my land.

Rodney

We had a car like that once.

£2000? Why, you can get them for £17 in Portobello Road! It's amazing how much you can save if you shop around

Rodney

No sign of Vimmal?

Del

No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream: "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."

Rodney

Get us a packet of pork scratchings, will you?

Del

Pork scratchings! Sounds like a pig with fleas!

You never married yourself, Del?

Del

No, no no, I never fancied myself!

Del

You don't have romantic feelings, you. You just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you've learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One.

Del

Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.

Rodney

Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?

It used to be your mother's room, Rodney, but it's mine now and I don't want to see you in there. Is that understood?

Rodney

Jawohl, mein Obergruppenführer! (gives a Nazi salute)

Grandad

(On the phone) 'Ere, there's someone on the phone. It's Tim.

Del

Tim who?

Grandad

Tim the Talking Clock. (Rodney takes the phone as Del double checks the note)

Del

Hold a cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this i-- (turns the note over) Gordon Bennett, this is dated four days ago!

Rodney

I don't want to worry you, Del, but this Tim's got a funny accent.

Del

(takes the phone and listens. A look of horror crosses his face) She only phoned the talking clock in America!

Grandad

(taking the phone) You mean we're connected to America? (listens) It's amazing, innit? Hello!!

HANG IT UP!!

Del

My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?

Grandad

A tandem would be too big!