Christian Troy quotes from Nip/Tuck

Christian

You wanna talk about the real reason you breezed into town? And do me a favour, Mr. Perez, when you answer, drop the 'no hablo English' bullshit. It doesn't add to my confusion about your predicament, it only highlights your own. I'm a doctor; what you tell me during consultation is confidential.

I prefer to let my money talk. [puts a large briefcase on the table]

Christian Troy

Nice alligator.

Twenty thousand dollars, according to your website. That's your fee.

Christian

Funny, isn't it? How certain things from Colombia have that pungent aroma that can stink up a room. Coffee, for instance, and of course there's the cartel money.

I'm not Colombian. My brother and I, we are Argentinean.

Christian

Mr. Perez, if you were Argentinean, I wouldn't have to recommend porcelain veneers. It's the only South American country with fluoride in the water. One last time, why are you running?

I was with the boss' girl.

Christian

Mr. Perez, you cad.

Christian

Can I buy you a drink?

Kimber

I don't drink.

Christian

Can I buy you an appetizer?

Kimber

I don't eat. I'm a model.

Another one before you hit the road?

Christian

No, I have to operate tomorrow.

Kimber

Are you a doctor?

Christian

[flashes smile] Plastic surgeon.

Christian

We're in the vanity business, Sean. It's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, snip, he feels better about himself, and you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood?

Sean

I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. I don't want my family infected by what we do here.

Christian

What is it that we're doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?

Sean

What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves.

Christian

Sean, do you know why we just bought twelves packs of ham?

Sean

Because alligators are finicky eaters.

Sean

Have you ever done twins?

Christian

[In a Sean Connery impression] Mother and daughter once but never twins.

Sean

Did she indicate that if you slept with her she'd drop the lawsuit?

Christian

Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the crypt keeper to make your mistake go away?

Christian

Are you saying I have no ethics?

Sean

I'm saying you have a history of liking your money.

Christian

I have a discriminating eye, Sean. I turned down Michael Jackson today.

Do you want the lights on or--

Christian

Off.

Christian

Dr. Santiago, have you ever been sued for malpractice?

Grace

As a matter of fact, I haven't.

Christian

Of course not. That would be silly. That's like suing a witch doctor for a spell that didn't work.

Liz

Does any one here besides me think there's anything morally reprehensible about a white man trying to pass himself off as a victim of the American racial hierarchy?

Christian

Sean, tell her to stop using all those big words around me.

Christian

Can I buy you another drink?

Grace

Now that, Dr. Troy, would be pointless, seeing as you're the reason I'm drinking.

Gina

Girl meets surgeon. Girl goes home with surgeon. Surgeon has a great excuse to leave before dawn. Am I close?

Christian

We go to my place and I give her cab fare.

Sean

I'm gonna get a vasectomy. Julia doesn't want to have any more kids and I can't handle another mistake.

Christian

That's the most bullshit cure for depression I ever heard. If you want to shoot blanks, Sean, don't get snipped. Do what I do. Take a bath.

Sean

What?

Christian

For every date, I sit in a 116 degree bath. Excessive testicular heat shuts down spermatogenosis. Teabag your testicles in a hot tub and I swear you'll be sterile and squeaky clean.

Christian Troy

I counted each contraction. Three times. Or were you doing your Kegel exercises?

[whispers] Lock the door.