Jess Day quotes from New Girl

Jess

It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out. 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.

Schmidt

Twirly?

Jess

Twirly.

Schmidt

Is that like horny?

Jess

I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world!

Cece

What are you doing?

Jess

I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks...

Cece

Is this a sewing kit?

Jess

Yes, it's a sewing kit. Stain remover. [holds up the stain remover] Hello!

Cece

You don't have one-night stands—you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.

Jess

Oh, one shoe? I hate that.

Winston

[reading the comments on Jess's YouTube video] Look at this. "This teacher is muy caliente."

Jess

Hot, hot, hot.

Winston

"I'd like to grade her on a curve."

Jess

Yep.

Winston

"Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."

Jess

Finally.

Winston

Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?

Jess

Yes. Yes, they are.

Nick

Is Sadie a gynecologist?

Jess

No, she's an OB/GYN.

Nick

[groans] I'm gonna go.

Jess

It's a different thing.

Nick

I'm gonna get out of here, actually, I think.

Jess

Yeah? I don't think you are.

Jess

Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum. [Nick keeps groaning] Nick!

Nick

I don't have a vagina.

You can take mine. [chuckles]

Jess

[laughs] I heard that, sister.

True dat.

Jess

[on her new hutch] Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?

Schmidt

A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? Get rid of it, Jess—pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Jess

I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things.

Schmidt

Jess... [chuckles] you're wrong. Okay? My answer's no.

Jess

Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch.

Schmidt

I had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.

Jess

You would not dare.

Schmidt

Try me.

Jess

That was the worst four weeks of my life.

Jess

He washed his hands in a public restroom.

Schmidt

And there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.

Winston

That's not letting go, that's cruising.

Jess

I'll raise the money myself. I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. A lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso, and I'll choreograph some dances, make a show.

You did that already, Jess. It's called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.

Jess

What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

Nick

Dirk is a genius! 20-year-old girls—they think I'm awesome! And look at 'em! They don't know what Saved by the Bell is and they've never felt pain.

Winston

Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.

Jess

What?

Schmidt

One time.

Jess

What?!

Schmidt

I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them. Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one. Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.

Nick

Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.

Winston

Dreams do not count.

Jess

You've all thought about me while self-completing?!

Jess

I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.

Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser. Who's to say you can't be all three?

Jess

But you're using birth control, right?

Cece

Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.

Jess

I didn't wanna know that. Okay, the pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days, so just get through the weekend and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.

Cece

Yeah, no, of course not, of course. It's just... I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.

Jess

Just, I mean, I, I don't know.

Cece

Would it just wanna nurse 24 hours a day?

Jess

Probably. We could make it, like, a douche baby jar.

Jess

I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird, um, but I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything.

Really?

Jess

Yeah, anything.

Are you in love with my dad?

Jess

Hmm... Oh...

Do you and my dad ever dry-lump?

Jess

G... Uh...

Is sexting cool?

Jess

What? No, it's not cool.

Have you done a 99?

Jess

I think that's a tax form.

Have you ever given anyone plow chops?

Jess

I don't know.

How do you make love to a person animal-style?

Jess

Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?

Schmidt

Know this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...

Jess

Don't say "broken penis."

Schmidt

... have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.

Jess

[to Jenn] I thought you were Asian me, but now I realize I'm just Caucasian you.

What?

Paul

What?

Schmidt

[about Cece] She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess.

Jess

What? That's crazy.

Schmidt

That's why I'm gonna have to White Fang her.

Jess

Schmidt, come on! Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, but please don't tell me things like that.

Schmidt

No, no, Jess, Jess. The book: White Fang.