Jess Day quotes from New Girl

Schmidt

No!

Nick

That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!

Schmidt

I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

Jess

[in a British accent] Probaby the slut butler, right?

Nick

Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.

Hi.

Jess

One more time. Cara-lee?

Uh, Caroline.

Jess

Caraloo? Coraline?

Nick

Caroline.

Jess

Oh, okay. Fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep. So much doing it.

Nick

So much doing it. It's crazy.

Jess

He's so soft, like a towel.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Jess

So nice to meet you, too, Carol.

Caroline.

Jess

I give up!

Jess

[after accidently seeing Nick naked] What am I going to do?! He's never going to speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed!

Winston

It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.

Schmidt

You have? I mean...how?

Winston

We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights...it just happens.

Cece

I'm trying to help you.

Jess

No. I don't need your help. You don't know... Nick and I are friends. You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry... DJ Diabeat It.

Cece

He has diabetes.

Jess

Oh, he does? Boo-hoo. I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.

Cece

He's fine. He takes medication.

Jess

Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.

Cece

Don't put this on me, Jess. Okay, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...

Jess

Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.

Cece

Okay, what did you just say?

Jess

You heard me, bitch.

Jess

I'm just cooking dinner for you guys... and Paul.

Nick

What?

Schmidt

What?

Jess

Hmm? What?

Nick

Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?

Jess

Yes, I did. I asked someone out.

Nick

Asked someone out?

Schmidt

Jess, be honest—is the turkey named Paul?

Jess

It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank. Hanksgiving.

Jess

Oh, I get it. [about Paul] He's not cool enough for you. 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. [mimicking Nick] "I'm Nick Miller. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face." Why don't you like him?

Nick

Who cares? Do you like him?

Jess

Of course I like him.

Nick

Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.

Jess

I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.

Nick

Great.

Jess

You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?

Paul

[to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?

Jess

I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Nick

Then why did you ask me?

Winston

[opens the door] Hey, Jess. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.

Jess

What?

Winston

Play through.

Nick

After you, Jess. Excuse me.

Jess

So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called... Big-Time. It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.

Winston

Here's what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like "Eye of the Tiger."

What's "Eye of the Tiger"?

Winston

"Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written. It's so cool, it ended the Cold War.

Jess

That's not even a little bit true.

Jess

You know what, I love running this group. It gives me confidence, it gives me muscle definition. Yes, sometimes it gives me blinding optical migraines where I literally can't see three feet in front of myself. But I love these kids. And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group, but one thing you can't do with these kids is make it about you.

Winston

Jess, I don't see what the big deal is, okay? I only practiced with you guys a couple of times.

Jess

You're such a tonkel!

Winston

Whoa, hold it! Don't nobody call me a tonkel.

Jess

If you tell them they aren't good, that's one more person telling them that. That's a big deal to me, making sure no one else gives up on them. Even if they sound like a guy covered in bells falling down a staircase that's also made of bells. I know you've had a hard month, I know you don't have a job, but, God, they're just kids. Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa? Did we get robbed by giants?

Jess

[in a British accent, with a pair of lacy panties on her head] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.

Cece

Why are we here?

Jess

You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...

Cece

Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.

Jess

It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

He used a cigar as a sexual aid with her in the Oval Office area...

Jess!

Young Jess

Mom?! [shoves the radio] I'm not listening to NPR.

Jess

[whistles while holding a starfish lingerie]

Cece

No. No whistle. It's terrible!

Jess

Uh, excusez-moi. Can I try this on, please?

Oh, the starfish. You can't try that on. Health code.

Jess

I'll take it! I hope Paul's packing some coral polyps, 'cause this starfish is hungry. Starfish eat coral polyps.

Cece

Just pay, Jess.

Jess

[in an old-timey newscaster voice, wearing the starfish lingerie] You are hot, hot, hot.

Paul

Thank you.

Jess

Hello, weather service? Oh! There's a heat wave from Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!

Paul

I don't know, I don't... what is happening.

Jess

We're talking dirty, Slim.

Paul

Oh, okay. You want me to do... you're doing a voice. You want me to do a voice? Okay, um... [in a Jimmy Stewart voice] Well, I'm so happy to be here! [Back to normal voice] Jimmy Stewart? [as Jimmy Stewart] You look ravishing in your... netting...

Jess

Thank you very much.

Paul

... contraption.

Jess

[after Cece enters the bathroom] Hey, what are you doing in here?

Cece

Kyle's being a jerk. What are you doing in here?

Jess

Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation.

Cece

Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do was worry about my drunk uncle asking me out?

Jess

Yes, Uncle Pradeep. He thought I was a boy.

Cece

Such a weirdo.

Jess

[giving Schmidt a tour of the makeshift party bus] Over here is kosher yogurt and honey.

Schmidt

Kosher yog?

Jess

We got some condoms over here—small, medium, large, whatever your preference.

Schmidt

Well, I would use—

Jess

I don't wanna know. And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole. It's normally used for stability, but tonight it's gonna be used for $50 worth of seminudity.

Schmidt

Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants.

Jess

[asking Julia to help her get out of a traffic ticket] So... can you help me?

I mean, I can try. You never know. A judge might buy into this whole thing, so...

Jess

What "whole thing"?

Your whole thing. With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and... "bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning."

Jess

Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.

It's a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.

Jess

Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good.

Hey, so... living here, it's probably fun, right?

Jess

Yeah.

There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place?

Jess

Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. He accepts everyone.

Jess

[After she and Julia walk out of the courtroom] Hey! I have something to say to you, man.

What?

Jess

I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.

Okay.

Jess

And I know you like Nick, and I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.

Are you done?

Jess

I am almost done. I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch.

[rubbing Nick's back and fondling him] I'm gonna start unbuttoning your pants, and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt. I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. Okay? 'Cause you are gonna be the Underpants Captain tonight.

Nick

[clearly uncomfortable] Makes sense.

Jess

Great choice, Remy. Nick will make a fantastic Underpants Captain.