Nick Miller quotes from New Girl

Nick

I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies' voices coming and then the guy's rapping. I think it's awesome.

Nick

Shall we get into this, or just take our pants off? [laughs briefly]

Nick

I can't believe Winston's gonna be a cop. I mean, he's the gentlest person I know. He once broke his arm wrapping presents.

Nick

My life's filled with regret.

You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.

Nick

Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.

Nick

No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that.

Why not? It's fun.

Nick

Because I have a penis.

You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live.

Nick

You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...

Jess

I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.

Nick

I would just take it easy with the love stuff.

Schmidt

Come on, the love stuff.

Jess

All of them.

Schmidt

No!

Nick

That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!

Schmidt

I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

Jess

[in a British accent] Probaby the slut butler, right?

Nick

Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.

Hi.

Jess

One more time. Cara-lee?

Uh, Caroline.

Jess

Caraloo? Coraline?

Nick

Caroline.

Jess

Oh, okay. Fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep. So much doing it.

Nick

So much doing it. It's crazy.

Jess

He's so soft, like a towel.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Jess

So nice to meet you, too, Carol.

Caroline.

Jess

I give up!

Jess

I'm just cooking dinner for you guys... and Paul.

Nick

What?

Schmidt

What?

Jess

Hmm? What?

Nick

Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?

Jess

Yes, I did. I asked someone out.

Nick

Asked someone out?

Schmidt

Jess, be honest—is the turkey named Paul?

Jess

It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank. Hanksgiving.

Jess

Oh, I get it. [about Paul] He's not cool enough for you. 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. [mimicking Nick] "I'm Nick Miller. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face." Why don't you like him?

Nick

Who cares? Do you like him?

Jess

Of course I like him.

Nick

Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.

Jess

I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.

Nick

Great.

Jess

You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?

Paul

[to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?

Jess

I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Nick

Then why did you ask me?

Winston

[opens the door] Hey, Jess. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.

Jess

What?

Winston

Play through.

Nick

After you, Jess. Excuse me.

Jess

So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called... Big-Time. It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.

[rubbing Nick's back and fondling him] I'm gonna start unbuttoning your pants, and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt. I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. Okay? 'Cause you are gonna be the Underpants Captain tonight.

Nick

[clearly uncomfortable] Makes sense.

Jess

Great choice, Remy. Nick will make a fantastic Underpants Captain.

Nick

Is Sadie a gynecologist?

Jess

No, she's an OB/GYN.

Nick

[groans] I'm gonna go.

Jess

It's a different thing.

Nick

I'm gonna get out of here, actually, I think.

Jess

Yeah? I don't think you are.

Jess

Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum. [Nick keeps groaning] Nick!

Nick

I don't have a vagina.

You can take mine. [chuckles]

Jess

[laughs] I heard that, sister.

True dat.

Jess

What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

Nick

Dirk is a genius! 20-year-old girls—they think I'm awesome! And look at 'em! They don't know what Saved by the Bell is and they've never felt pain.

Winston

Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.

Jess

What?

Schmidt

One time.

Jess

What?!

Schmidt

I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them. Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one. Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.

Nick

Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.

Winston

Dreams do not count.

Jess

You've all thought about me while self-completing?!

Nick

You can't be a shot girl.

Jess

Why not?

Nick

Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot. She doesn't have it.

Jess

Are you saying I'm not hot?

Nick

No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot.

Jess

Nick!

Nick

I'm saying you're the nurse that I wanna wake up to after having my stomach pumped. You know what I mean? It's a different kind of hot—still hot.

Jess

I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.

Nick

Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.

Jess

It wasn't. It was me, having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.