Schmidt quotes from New Girl

Schmidt

Damn it! I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.

Schmidt

Cece and I, we have this connection. You know, it's physical... it's unhealthy. Look, I don't want to get too graphic with you, but I'm not just the plug with her. I'm also a socket.

Schmidt

[to Cece] So I've been thinking a lot about it, and... I'd really like to start calling you "shorty" in public.

Schmidt

[indicates head to heart] I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. Got to bring it down, here to here. Not any lower, though. It's not like that.

Schmidt

Well you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what, you pressed it.

Schmidt

[about a photo of a micro-penis] I just look at that picture and wonder, is there a God? And if there is, did he run out of clay?

You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live.

Nick

You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...

Jess

I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.

Nick

I would just take it easy with the love stuff.

Schmidt

Come on, the love stuff.

Jess

All of them.

Schmidt

No!

Nick

That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!

Schmidt

I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

Jess

[in a British accent] Probaby the slut butler, right?

Jess

[after accidently seeing Nick naked] What am I going to do?! He's never going to speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed!

Winston

It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.

Schmidt

You have? I mean...how?

Winston

We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights...it just happens.

Schmidt

Why haven't I seen it?

Winston

Why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt

He's my best friend!

Winston

Again, why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt

What if Nick has an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all the remains are his private parts? I'm standing there and I'm saying: "Sorry officer, I can't help you, because, no, I haven't seen his penis", and boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

Winston

Again, why do you wanna see it?

Jess

I'm just cooking dinner for you guys... and Paul.

Nick

What?

Schmidt

What?

Jess

Hmm? What?

Nick

Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?

Jess

Yes, I did. I asked someone out.

Nick

Asked someone out?

Schmidt

Jess, be honest—is the turkey named Paul?

Jess

It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank. Hanksgiving.

Schmidt

You look awesome.

Cece

It's a before and after for a Bolivian diet pill.

Schmidt

El Glatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.

I'm "before."

Schmidt

Su-sure, you are, look at that.

Cece

So you said you wanted to see me for something?

Schmidt

Yes, I brought you a gift. I hope you appreciate that I have kept eye contact with you this whole time and made no reference to the fact that you are basically naked.

Cece

Very proud of you, Schmidt.

Hey, hey. [tongue-kissing Cece]

Schmidt

Oh, lot of tongue.

Done with her hair?

Schmidt

With her...? No, I'm not the hair guy, man.

Cece

Oh, no, no, no, this is my very good friend Schmidt, and he just came by to bring me a gift, so... It's perfume. Why does it say "Cecilia Number 5″?

Schmidt

Actually, it says that because... you know, I ma... I made it specifically for you. Yeah, I found this place on 3rd Street where you can design your own perfume. Base notes of cocoa because of your brown, uh... ness. Sea salt, because it kind of sounds like Cece. Uh, and sandalwood... Sandalwood... always up to no good.

Jess

[giving Schmidt a tour of the makeshift party bus] Over here is kosher yogurt and honey.

Schmidt

Kosher yog?

Jess

We got some condoms over here—small, medium, large, whatever your preference.

Schmidt

Well, I would use—

Jess

I don't wanna know. And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole. It's normally used for stability, but tonight it's gonna be used for $50 worth of seminudity.

Schmidt

Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants.

Schmidt

Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. mistaken assault in the parking garage. I've had a thing for you ever since I was the husky kid in the mailroom. And if... if you don't believe me... here you go. [hands Kim his 2007 New Year's resolutions] Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. It's about you.

[reading from the sheet of paper] "Only think about hot new CFO every other time I masturbate."

Jess

It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out. 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.

Schmidt

Twirly?

Jess

Twirly.

Schmidt

Is that like horny?

Jess

I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world!