A character in New Girl
Played by Zooey Deschanel
New Girl · 119 quotes
Most-quoted character in New Girl: in 81 of its 119 quotes
Most scenes with: Nick Miller (31), Schmidt (24), Winston Bishop (20)
JessI thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.
Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me—to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
JessNipple play—off-limits.
You can't be a shot girl.
JessWhy not?
Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending $9 on a $2 shot. She doesn't have it.
JessAre you saying I'm not hot?
No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot.
JessNick!
I'm saying you're the nurse that I wanna wake up to after having my stomach pumped. You know what I mean? It's a different kind of hot—still hot.
JessI had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.
Oh, so that was you. I thought that was a couple bums fighting.
JessIt wasn't. It was me, having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.
JessAndy and I have been sending each other some pretty dirty texts.
Come to the professor. Let me see.
JessHe says, "Can't stop thinking about what you're gonna wear tonight." How do I respond?
With a simple... "Or not wear."
JessOkay.
Okay?
Jess"Or not wear because sex happens naked." Send.
Okay, let me help you with that. "Just kidding. Get ready for a night you will never forget." Okay?
Jess"Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss." Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar."
JessI need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm terrible at casual sex. I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.
You don't even know what that is.
JessNo, sir, I do not know what that is. I panicked. Help me.
Look, you can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl.
JessI deserve to have a shorty on the side.
Okay, a shorty is not... That's the wrong use of "shorty."
Jess[imitating Steve Urkel] "Did I do that?"
I'm sorry, did you just say you were working on that?
JessIt's Urkel!
Urkel?
Jess[chuckling] Urkel.
Urkel, Jess?
JessIt's funny.
Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
No, it's not.
But Urkel?!
JessCome on.
Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.
[about the new hipster neighbors] They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity: a panethnic, pansexual hivemind, and they want nothing to do with me.
JessThey're not that great, Schmidt. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.
A lovers' quarrel?
JessSutton and Chaz are not a couple.
Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... the other broad.
JessActually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.
They're polyamorous?! Damn it!
Jess[showing her outfit to the guys] I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."
You have too much joie de vivre. Okay? You wanna look a little bit more bored, tired, just altogether disengaged.
More tired— more, like, sick-like. Really let your bones prop you up.
JessWhen I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt drinking and the...
Did you say "butt drinking"?
JessYeah.
You can't just say "butt drinking" and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.
[about Jess's costume] I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen.
Yeah.
[imitating Woody Allen] "These brains are terrible. And such— such small portions."
[imitating Woody Allen] "On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open."
Jess[imitating Woody Allen] "Zombie... Cristina... Barcelona."
Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.
[Jess and Nick bump into each other as they come out of their respective bedrooms]
Jess[whispering] Sam's in there.
[whispering] Yeah, Amelia's in there. High five for sluts!
Just update your résumé, you ninny.
JessDid you call me a ninny?
Yeah, I called you a ninny, 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!
JessDon't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!
Ah! Why would you... Yucky!
No, no, no. I don't wanna hear it.
JessIt hurts, I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I wanna murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
You know what? I feel the same way.
JessShut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't wanna hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!
Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.
Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.
Sympathy PMS? What's that?
JessNo! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
JessI should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Wait, you think she's perky?
JessWell, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.
[Jess enlists Nick and Cece to help her get her divorced parents back together]
I'm not doing a parent trap.
JessNick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. I think this could really make them happy. They need us. Here's the plan: we're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.
Your parent trap—there's no identical twins or mistaken identity. Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.
JessThe only thing you have to do is distract my dad.
A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. I feel like you're just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap; they don't work.
JessWhy do you have to ruin everything, Nick?
I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things. [small pause] Let's do this parent trap.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
