Winston Bishop quotes from New Girl

Winston

You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. You weigh more than your credit score.

Winston

Did you hear the joke about the two black and the two white guys who walked into a police station? The two white guys came out.

Winston

[at the deposition representing Schmidt] Well, we wanted to let you know that the entire firm is standing behind you. Besides, whether I sit in my office or in here, it's all billable, am I right, gentlemen?

Winston

So, listen up, uh, for whoever picked me, I just want you to know that I have really gotten into feet lately, so do with that what you will.

Winston

[upon seeing Jake Apex] I will say one thing about that man that I've only said about Ryan Gosling - hot damn!

Jess

[after accidently seeing Nick naked] What am I going to do?! He's never going to speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed!

Winston

It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.

Schmidt

You have? I mean...how?

Winston

We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights...it just happens.

Schmidt

Why haven't I seen it?

Winston

Why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt

He's my best friend!

Winston

Again, why do you wanna see it?

Schmidt

What if Nick has an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all the remains are his private parts? I'm standing there and I'm saying: "Sorry officer, I can't help you, because, no, I haven't seen his penis", and boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

Winston

Again, why do you wanna see it?

Jess

Oh, I get it. [about Paul] He's not cool enough for you. 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. [mimicking Nick] "I'm Nick Miller. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face." Why don't you like him?

Nick

Who cares? Do you like him?

Jess

Of course I like him.

Nick

Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.

Jess

I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.

Nick

Great.

Jess

You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?

Paul

[to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?

Jess

I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Nick

Then why did you ask me?

Winston

[opens the door] Hey, Jess. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.

Jess

What?

Winston

Play through.

Nick

After you, Jess. Excuse me.

Jess

So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called... Big-Time. It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.

Winston

Here's what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like "Eye of the Tiger."

What's "Eye of the Tiger"?

Winston

"Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written. It's so cool, it ended the Cold War.

Jess

That's not even a little bit true.

Jess

You know what, I love running this group. It gives me confidence, it gives me muscle definition. Yes, sometimes it gives me blinding optical migraines where I literally can't see three feet in front of myself. But I love these kids. And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group, but one thing you can't do with these kids is make it about you.

Winston

Jess, I don't see what the big deal is, okay? I only practiced with you guys a couple of times.

Jess

You're such a tonkel!

Winston

Whoa, hold it! Don't nobody call me a tonkel.

Jess

If you tell them they aren't good, that's one more person telling them that. That's a big deal to me, making sure no one else gives up on them. Even if they sound like a guy covered in bells falling down a staircase that's also made of bells. I know you've had a hard month, I know you don't have a job, but, God, they're just kids. Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa? Did we get robbed by giants?

Winston

[reading the comments on Jess's YouTube video] Look at this. "This teacher is muy caliente."

Jess

Hot, hot, hot.

Winston

"I'd like to grade her on a curve."

Jess

Yep.

Winston

"Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."

Jess

Finally.

Winston

Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?

Jess

Yes. Yes, they are.

Winston

I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure, but I think you're finally about to see your best friend's penis.

Schmidt

Nick— he's gonna sh— he's gonna show his penis to the ocean and not me? Nick, wait! [runs after Nick]

Jess

He washed his hands in a public restroom.

Schmidt

And there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.

Winston

That's not letting go, that's cruising.

Winston

Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.

Jess

What?

Schmidt

One time.

Jess

What?!

Schmidt

I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them. Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one. Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.

Nick

Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.

Winston

Dreams do not count.

Jess

You've all thought about me while self-completing?!

Jess

[imitating Steve Urkel] "Did I do that?"

Schmidt

I'm sorry, did you just say you were working on that?

Jess

It's Urkel!

Nick

Urkel?

Jess

[chuckling] Urkel.

Nick

Urkel, Jess?

Jess

It's funny.

Nick

Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.

No, it's not.

Nick

But Urkel?!

Jess

Come on.

Nick

Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.