Never Mind the Buzzcocks quotes

Simon

So uh, one of the girls, I don't know which one. It would probably be wrong to name them, maybe it's wrong to say it at all. Should I stop? No, OK. Um, she had her first, you know, "becoming a woman" experience in our studio.

And you filmed it!

Simon

No, we didn't film it! No. It happened in one of the dressing rooms. We've since redecorated, it was fine...So anyway, they came back and we were all very sensitive about it. We introduced them as our favourite band in the world...period.

Nice to see you taking notes there, Bill

I just like to be, uh, apposite of the facts.

No you don't, you like to say cheese and weasels then go "urrh".

Or Cheesels as I like to call them. A weaselly snack with a cheese finish.

I thought you was down with Westwood, man.

I'm not down with Westwood!

No? I thought you was down with that, the bitches and the hoes and wh- [Romeo starts laughing]

Oh I understand the phrase bitches and hoes. Disrespectful terms for ladies.

I thought you said ditches and hose. Like a landscape gardening thing. "I'll be down with my ditches, and my hose. Later on I'll be building a water feature!"

When Carlos Santana first met his future wife Deborah, he said "She smelled like something I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life". It's beautiful, isn't it? Finding a woman who smells like a bacon sandwich and a can of Irn Bru? [Pretending to cry] You're a lucky man, Carlos!

"Anything you can do, I can do better...?"

I can do anything better than you.

No you can't.

...all right...

See?

"She may be the beauty or the beast..."? Bill, I think you'll know this one.

Well, he's definitely the beast, right? We've established that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beardy!

You can't really call someone Beardy if you've got a beard, Bill.

Why Mark, this is not a beard. It's a small South American mammal...that I've trained to crouch very still.

Am I being awkward?

No, you're not being awkward... I think it's pronounced "retarded".

I've got no idea, give us a clue, for God's sake.

Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, what more clue can I give you without giving it away?

You're talking too quickly!! How can I understand that?!

Well, I'm sorry if I was of no help...

Is he about the same height as Elton John?

No, he's 87 times the size. They have to film him from miles away!

Wet Wet Wet eventually got so sick of "Love Is All Around" that they wrote to their record company, demanding the song be taken off the market. And since I found that fact out, I've spent six months trying to forge James Blunt's signature: "Dear James Blunt's record company. It's me, James Blunt. My records are rubbish. Please stop putting them out. Thanks. Bluntie. PS: You can stab me in the eye as well if you want."

She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and I think that's cruel.

Simon

Hello there and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Simon Amstell. And if you think I'm a poor booking, let's meet tonight's guests!

Simon

I just suggested that she might have gone a bit nuts recently...and she took that personally...

Simon

I can see now why Mark gets angry all the time.