Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks and do join us -

Simon

Oh no! [Runs across to Phill, who is lying on the floor unconcious] Phill! Phill! Don't leave Phill! [Looks up to the ceiling] WHY?

Simon

[voiceover] Well, after the triple drama of the Eastern Europian Loansharks, gas explosion and falling anvil, will Phill survive? Tune in to Never Mind the Buzzcocks next week at 9pm on BBC2 to find out. Oh, go on. Please!

Simon

Thanks, hi! Hello, and welcome to the show! Well, look. We're almost halfway through the run, and the data has just come back from our market and research team. The word is this series is only slightly worse than the last one! What about that, people! [applause] Only slightly worse! Good news! But to avoid further decline, because there could be further decline, we've had Britain's finest minds working through the night to come up with a solid rescue plan, and here it is.

Simon

That should do it, right?

Simon

Why did you leave Australia, Germaine?

Simon

We're all just gonna have a nice pop quiz tonight. There's a question... what's the answer?

Simon

Do you feel closer now to the So Solid Crew or the cabin crew?

Simon

Before we start, I'd like to address something. Like all of you, I am deeply upset and probably traumatized by the bad language infecting television today. And I can't sit here any longer and let this potty mouth culture contaminate the nation. There was a time when we didn't rely on disgusting and offensive language. For example...[pulls out his kitten, Toby, to the amusement of the audience]...take this innocent...[pauses to let the crowd laugh]...yeah. Take this innocent, and naive kitten. He's called Toby. He's only 10 weeks old, and he likes being tickled on the tummy. [tickles kitten] Just like that. And if any of our guests swear tonight, I am going to have murder Toby! [lets crowd laugh while he places Toby under the desk while Phill makes a face] It's for the best. And firmly biting his tongue for the good of the nation tonight, it's our guest captain, ITV filth monger, Dermot O'Leary! [applause]

Simon

Those are the teams, by Jove I've just defecated in my trousers.

Simon

[to Arlene] You look like you could run a good whorehouse.

Simon

The new Guns 'N' Roses album is so much more exciting because we had to wait sixteen suspense-filled years for its eventual release. And it's for that reason that I'm not going to listen to the new N-Dubz album until 3012.

Simon

Next up is the recently-knighted Sir Intros Round OBE.

Simon

This old heart of mine. And this old heart of mine would like to say to you: I enjoyed you guessing the intro, and in the words of Tom Jones, it's not unusual for me to continue saying words when the sentence has surely finished.

Simon

Morrissy recently quashed unfounded accusations of bigotry, when he donated twenty-eight thousand pounds to Love Music Hate Racism. Although he did ask that most of it go towards the "loving music" bit.

Simon

How could you, Arlene?

Simon

We must remember that neither one of them are doing anything good for the world.

Simon

Those are the teams, now clap your disappointment away.