NCIS quotes

Tony

Can you tell me what gun he used?

Abby

A 308!

Tony

What model 308?

Abby

You don't know?

Tony

Would I be asking?

Abby

Well how am I supposed to know?

Tony

Because you're the firearms expert!

Abby

That I am! And when I am done I will tell you the propellant, the primer, the percentage of nickle and copper in the brass, whether all three rounds were fired from the same weapon: which you assume but I can prove or disprove, I will tell you who manufactured the ammo, the batch number and perhaps where it was sold! And with some degree of accuracy I can tell you if it was fired from a lever action, a bolt action, a semi automatic or an automatic weapon! However: I cannot tell you which of the 87 different 308 models fired those rounds!

Tony

Lapua!

Abby

What?

Tony

Lapua made the ammo! Logo's on the rim!

Abby

Tony I'm gonna miss her!

Kate

Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?

Tony

A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.

Kate

You're forgetting your mother.

Tony

Mothers don't count.

Kate

And that lawyer. Marla?

Tony

Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.

Kate

Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.

Tony

Does not.

Kate

Does too.

Tony

Does not.

Kate

Does too.

Gerald

I've never driven a stick.

Abby

Are you serious?

McGee

What, you can drive a stick?

Abby

Yeah, since I was like ten.

Gerald

What were you driving when you were ten?

Abby

A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.

McGee

Bubba?

Abby

Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Gibbs

From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corps.

Abby

Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?

Gibbs

What is it, Abs?

Abby

Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.

Gibbs

Okay, but don't leave the --

Abby

Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.

Tony

How long have you known I was --

Ziva

Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.

Tony

I don't think so.

Ziva

Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --

Tony

Okay, okay. You knew.

Ziva

[handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.

Tony

You know, that's what I like about Mossad.

Ziva

Our training?

Tony

Modesty.

Tony

[after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?

Ziva

I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...

Tony

Family tradition?

Ziva

Israeli sense of duty.

Tony

So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?

Ziva

Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

Abby

For no-one leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building.

I can't believe it.

Gibbs

What?

I'm Director of NCIS less than 24hrs and I'm back on the street!

Gibbs

(smiles) Great isn't it!?

No Jethro! It isn't!

Gibbs

(flirting) Come on. Come on. You love it!

Truthfully? I'd rather be in bed! (Gibbs looks at her surprised then she notices the look and adds quickly) Sleeping.

Gibbs

Do you remember that stakeout in Marseilles? August, stuck in that attic with no-one. Photographing everyone that boarded that Lebanese trawler. (she looks away from him knowing what comes next in his recollection)That second night was the first time we...

(cutting him off, blushing) Okay! (She covers his mouth the whispers embarrased) Shut up!

Abby

I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.

Tony

Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.

Abby

I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Tony

What seems to be the problem Abs?

Abby

McGee's ignoring me!

Tony

Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]

McGee

Ow! What was that for?

Tony

Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Tony

Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.

Paula

Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're gonna get.

Gibbs

Agent Cassidy. Go see how many victims Abby id'd from the scrapbook

Tony

I'll go help her. [gets up]

Gibbs

Wait.

Tony

What was that for?!

Gibbs

Letting her get to you!

Tony

Boss, I was not letting her get to- It won't happen again.

He's carving your name on her back right now.

Gibbs

Game's over. Back to the death row.

Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?

Gibbs

I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself? [a battered but clearly alive Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen]

Paula

I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.

Tony

He's kinda dead. [Boone is speechless]

Gibbs

Enjoy hell.

Paula

A whole week of TDA with Gibbs. I can smell the fun already.

McGee

It's been a tough month.

Tony

Right now he pretty much hates everyone, Paula. Including himself.

Ziva

I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee

A donkey's butt?

Tony

I think she means horse's ass.

Ziva

Yes, that too.

Ziva

You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?

McGee

Porcupine?

Ziva

'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Tony

You want something to read?

Ziva

What do you have?

Tony

[pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.

Ziva

[pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.

Tony

[checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.