TV show quotes
[Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]
She seems to be fitting in well.
She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
How?
Driving home from a crime scene.
I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
You're kidding, right?
[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
And your back-up.
What back-up?
Left leg.
Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.
McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.
[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]
Remind me never to piss her off.
Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.
I trust you, you know that, but when we leave this elevator..
You start kicking my butt.
I don't kick butt. (turns elevator back on and head slaps Ziva, they both laugh)
You're coming along, strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Is that really necessary? Alright.
[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
And your back-up.
What back-up?
Left leg.
Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] You keep this. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.
Oh, she's more than nice, but how do you tell a woman that you have absolutely no mental recollection of her whatsoever?
I suppose one could always lie.
Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?
(facing the monitor) A marine dressed in civil war uniform is shot by a musket and is then buried alive in a 230 year old casket (turns to face to Tony and McGee who are stuffing their faces) and you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?
(with his mouth full) Yep!
(with his mouth full) Pretty much!
I don't know which is more disturbing! Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you!
I'm sorry! Do our strange American foods frighten you?
(laughs)
Not at all, I was referring to your manners! You should have bought me one! (leans over and takes a bit of Tony's wrap) Mm!
(hurriedly) I'm gonna go help Abby!
(passes his wrap to her and spits out his unswallowed mouthful)
[Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]
She seems to be fitting in well.
She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
How?
Driving home from a crime scene.
I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
[The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]
Special Agent Gibbs?
Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]
[to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.
Really?
I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
[falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...
[crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the agents to come down and help find a bullet]
[exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.
All the more reason you need the experience, probie.
How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?
How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?
Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?
About fifty of them.
And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--
No.
Then how am I supposed to--
My job is to teach them to you!
[searching a Naval officer's house]
[gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Another ugly shirt?
This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
That's great.
Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]
[searching a Naval officer's house]
Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”
I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.
Check book.
Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
I think it's the-
Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
It's a...
It's a marmoset.
Actually, that's a capuchin.
I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?
Not a clue.
Neither do I.
[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
Are you going home?
Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.
[scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?
No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
[softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
