Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

He stay at your place?

Abby

Yup.

Gibbs

You sleep in the coffin, McGee?

McGee

Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.

Abby

Well... it is! Sort of...

McGee

That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.

Abby

...Not just slept.

Abby

You should wake him!

McGee

What if he needs the rest?

Abby

He's not resting! His eyes are disco dancing under those lids!

McGee

They brought it back!

Abby

It's Gibbs so it never left!

Abby

Okay...make him older than mummy dust! (the image changes) Oh that's so cool! Now make him a young guy on his first date! (the image changes again) Hm...he wasn't a late bloomer like you McGee! (the image changes again) He's cute!

McGee

(frowning) You think?

Abby

(noticing his frown) Oh (walks towards him) Not cuter than you!

McGee

(as she puts her arm around his neck he smiles bashfully) Abs! (laughs) I'm trying to work!

Abby

(regretting it) Sorry!

McGee

(blushes) No I like it but uh...(admits his feelings) I can't concentrate!

Abby

Okay (walks backwards) What if watched (starts yelling) FROM ALL THE WAY OVER...(backs into Gibbs and jumps forward)

Abby

Would you be any less grumpy if you slept in a bed?

Gibbs

No!

Abby

I didn't think so!

Gibbs

[smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!

Kate

There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

Gibbs

See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.

McGee

Reboot it?

Kate

Or you can do what we always do.

Tony

It's his third one this month.

Abby

[as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee

System's over-heated.

Gibbs

So reboot it.

Abby

Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs

[brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Abby

Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee

Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!

Abby

Yeah, he can.

McGee

You're right, we are doomed.

Abby

[as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee

System's over-heated.

Gibbs

So reboot it.

Abby

Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs

[brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Abby

Even if it does. It's gonna take like an hour for mine to cool down!

McGee

And without air conditioning it'll happen again!

Gibbs

So take it somewhere cooler!

Abby

Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweat-shop!

Gibbs

Not the whole building Abs!

Abby

Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee

Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!

Abby

Yeah, he can.

McGee

You're right, we are doomed.

Abby

We have to call DOD and hope they'll let us in without severing the connection!

McGee

Unless! What if the trojan isn't system wide? If it was then...

Abby

He wouldn't need...

McGee

Watson to do it for him! That means that he can't access the rest of the network!

Abby

(stares at the computer screen) We've been trying to hack the wrong place!

McGee

Okay checking for outside links! Yes we've got multiple incoming packets! And we're varying the Doomsday Trojan!

Abby

(flirting) I love it when you talk geek!

McGee

(flirting) I love it that you love it!

Gibbs

I'll be sure to mention that to Captain Watson...right after we're done burying his family!

Abby

I would seriously hold off on those funeral arrangements Gibbs! The reason we're so excited is...

McGee

We've hacked into Watson's computer...

Abby

And we should be able to back-trace the connection as soon as (sees the image distort) No, no (starts typing frantically) No! (as the screen goes black) Aah! (Gibbs looks confused) My baby just french-fried!

McGee

(to an even more confused Gibbs) The system's overheated!

Gibbs

So just re-boot it!

Abby

(puts her head in her hands) Believe it or not Gibbs...But not all computer problems can be solved by re-booting!

Gibbs

(holds up a new phone and says brightly) Works for me! (McGee looks terrified of what could happen if Gibbs realises the scam Kate and DiNozzo have been pulling on him.)

Abby

Even if it does. It'll take like at least an hour for mine to cool down!

McGee

And with out air-conditioning it'll happen again!

Gibbs

So take it somewhere cooler

Abby

Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweatshop!

Gibbs

(smiling) Not the whole building Abs!

Ducky

Can I trouble you for the left ear, Mr. Palmer?

Jimmy

Uh (holds the ear to his left ear to make sure it's the same one) One left ear coming up!

Ducky

Huh.

Jimmy

What?

Ducky

That's odd!

Jimmy

What? It's not the left ear!

Ducky

It's the left just not the right left...so to speak!

Jimmy

But that would mean...

Ducky

Three bodies! (Jimmy sighs in annoyance and pushes the drawer shut) Time to start another table!

Abby

Hey Ducky! My computer died! We need somewhere cooler to set up shop!

Ducky

(looking at the meat puzzle on the tables) Well we're a little short on space for the moment Abigail but you can use 107! (opens the drawer to find a cadaver still in there) Definately not 107! His relatives were supposed to arrange for him to be taken back last week! Uh...Will this do?

Abby

Perfect!

Jimmy

Oh can I give you a hand?

McGee

(sees the blood) Uh, no.

Abby

(yelling as Tony winces) Okay Gibbs, your mic is coming in loud and clear! Who's that in the office with him?(jokes) The Devil?

Gibbs

Hey, hey, hey, hey! (signs something to her)

Abby

(signs "sorry")

Tony

You know? Seeing as no-one in this room is actually deaf that is really annoying!

Gibbs

What can you tell me about the voice?

Abby

It sounds like this particle physicist I used to date! He had these tiny little chiglet-like teeth and an Eiffel Tower tattoo!

Gibbs

(shakes the Caf-Pow) Do you want this Abby or not?

Abby

Okay! Obviously it's being disguised! I think I can filter it back to it's original state!

Tony

You think?

(really high-pitched) "she is a little beauty, she is a little beauty"!

Tony

Yeah! Okay I'll get that APB out on the lollipop guild!

Abby

Patience Tony!

(really slow and low) "little Beauty"

"He was right about one thing, she is a little beauty"

Gibbs

Not bad! (passes her the Caf-Pow)

Abby

Thank you Gibbs!

Gibbs

Next thing I need you to do is hack into Captain Watson's computer!

Abby

(chokes on her Caf-Pow) Gibbs! We're talking about the Pentagon here! Even their encryptions have encryptions!

Gibbs

Yeah? That dirt-bag somehow managed it!

Abby

it probably took him months! Our best bet is to ask the DOD for access to their system!

Gibbs

No, cause the first thing they'll do is sever the connection! And if that happens, we'll end up with two dead dependants!

Abby

I don't think I can do it!

Gibbs

Tony. Get McGee on the hook!

Abby

(fighting her emotions grabs his phone) No! (moving out of his reach) I'll get in!

Gibbs

Yeah?

Abby

Yeah!

Gibbs

I believe you!

Tony

(after Gibbs has walked out he turns the phone off) When has Gibbs been wrong before?

Abby

Gibbs is going to kill you.

McGee

What, why me?

Abby

I'm not telling him.

Abby

This weapon is circa early 1940s.

Gibbs

Year or two before I joined the Corps. [smiles at Abby]

Abby

So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.

Gibbs

Is that a band?

Abby

Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Gibbs

Don't waste my time, Abbs.

Abby

If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.

Gibbs

Doubt it...

Abby

I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.

Gibbs

Yeah? I bet you won't.

Abby

She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Palmer

[to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.

Abby

[in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!

Palmer

Abby! You made me almost...

Abby

[smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?

Abby

Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.

Gibbs

Or it just means he's never been caught.

Abby

[resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.