Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Abby

Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?

McGee

People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?

McGee

Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.

Abby

Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?

McGee

No.

Abby

Who would shoot this cute little dog? Look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]

McGee

It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!

Abby

You shot that cute little dog?!

McGee

He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!

Abby

How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!

McGee

Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!

Abby

Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!

McGee

People with dogs that kill people kill people!

McGee

You're wrapping the dog in my jacket?! My Hugo Boss jacket?! Abby, there's evidence on there...!

Abby

If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!

Abby

(To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?

Gibbs

(Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see) I'm a good Jethro.

Abby

Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.

Abby

Pay no attention to them, Jethro.

McGee

(sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!

Abby

I can't hear you, McGee!

McGee

If you can't hear me, why did you answer?

Abby

I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!

McGee

Abby, do not make a scene!

Abby

Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!

McGee

You can't stay in there forever.

Abby

[indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)

Abby

Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.

McGee

Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?

Abby

Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.

Abby

(seeing McGee drive in) Hey McGee! (seeing the bandage on his neck and hand) Oh my god! What happened to you?

McGee

I was attacked by a vicious dog.

Abby

Are you okay? (pulling at the bandage to see his wounds)

McGee

Yeah, careful, careful.

Abby

Sorry, did you provoke it?

McGee

(as she re-places the bandage) If you consider serving a warrant "provoking"!

Abby

What happened to the dog?

McGee

He was shot!

Abby

What? (gasps, opens the back door and sees the dog muzzled with his legs tied) McGee! Poor thing!

McGee

(as she un-clips the ties and takes off the muzzle) Abby? Abby! Careful that is one vicious dog!

Abby

Hi. (as the dog licks her hands) Yeah, McGee, he's really "vicious"!

McGee

Well, Ducky and Jimmy sedated him, hoping you can get some evidence off of him.

Abby

There, that's better. Who would shoot this cute little dog? Aw, look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]

McGee

It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!

Abby

You shot that cute little dog?!

McGee

He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!

Abby

How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!

McGee

Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!

Abby

Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!

McGee

People with dogs that kill people kill people!

Abby

You didn't kill anyone, did you? No.

McGee

(as Abby whips his jacket off his shoulders) That's my Hugo Boss! Hey! Don't you think that you're compromising the evidence with my $500 jacket?

Abby

If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!

McGee

(as Jethro barks) The dog should have a muzzle on it Abby.

Abby

Put a muzzle on yourself, McGee. It's not like he shot you!

Jenny

He doesn't look too good, does he?

Abby

You think it's because he knows he's on death row? That would put a damper on anyone's spirits.

McGee

Hey Abs. (notices her sad expression whilst hugging Jethro)

Abby

Hey.

McGee

What's wrong?

Abby

Gibbs asked the base commander if I could keep Jethro.

McGee

He said "no"?

Abby

He said "yes".

McGee

Then why are you...?

Abby

My landlord said "no".

McGee

Well that's too bad.

Abby

I have to find Jethro a good home. He's a distinguished veteran. He deserves to be happy, McGee.

McGee

Abby, no, no, no!

Abby

You have been looking for a dog, Timmy!

McGee

That dog tasted my blood and I think he liked it!

Abby

Okay, sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and just accept it. You are taking Jethro. Accept it. McGee, Jethro...shake. (neither moves) Okay Jethro you'll have to be the bigger man. (Jethro puts his paw in McGee's hand and as McGee smiles, Jethro growls at him)

Abby

[as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?

Tony

I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]

Abby

Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.

Tony

I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.

Abby

I didn't know you two were sharing a room.

Ziva

They're sharing a room?

Tony

We're not exactly sharing a room.

Ziva

(whispering furiously) Either they are sharing a room, or not sharing a room, I do not see what is so exact or not exact about it!

Abby

Your eyes are getting heavy. All information is recorded in the subconscious mind. I'm going to count down from three. As I'm counting down, you're going to go into a deeper state of relaxation. 3... You're getting calm and relaxed. 2... You're going into a deeper state of comfort. 1... You're in a deep [touches Palmer's forehead with one finger as his eyes close shut] sleep. [gives a surprised thumb's up to McGee who nods in return]

Abby

You're at peace. You have the ability to retrieve any information at will. You have total recall. If at any time, you feel a block to your memory, take a deep breath, [Palmer takes a deep breath] and the block will melt away. Understand?

Palmer

[Nods sleepily]

Abby

Okay, I'm going to take you back to yesterday. You're at the rime scene. You find a passport.

Palmer

Passport?

Abby

Yeah, do you see it? It's vinyl, dark blue.

Palmer

Vinyl?

Abby

Yes.

Palmer

Dark blue?

Abby

Yes. Pick it up.

Palmer

No, I'm gonna get hurt.

Abby

You're safe Jimmy. No one is gonna hurt you. Deep breath. [Palmer takes a deep breath] Good. Okay, you're at the crime scene. You look down and what do you see?

Palmer

[smiles] Leather. Light brown.

Abby

[incredulous] What? [takes a deep breath and then continues] Okay, pick it up and look at it. Are you doing it?

Palmer

Mmhm.

Abby

Okay, what does it say?

Palmer

Cole Hann, low boot, size 7 and a half.

McGee

Sounds like a woman's boot.

Abby

[scolding] Jimmy, put Ziva's boot down. Can you hear me? It's Abby.

Palmer

Oh, Abby... Black, high platforms, Demonia, size 10

Abby

[stand up] Jimmy!

Palmer

[is startled awake] What? What did I say? Did we catch him? Did we learn anything about this guy?

McGee

No, but we certainly learned something about you.

Palmer

Whatever it is, it's not what you think.

McGee

If the shoe fits... [starts walking away and Abby blows out the candles]

Palmer

Wait, wait, where are you going?

McGee

These boots were made for walking.

Gibbs

Anything else?

Abby

A number.

Gibbs

One, two, six?

Abby

One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple digits, Gibbs! But now it's way more! It's like a third of a whole year! I miss them!

Gibbs

Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.

Abby

It's not the same. I miss them collectively, as a group. My three musketeers.

Abby

Well, Ducky was right. It's snot.

McGee

It's not what?

Abby

It's snot.

McGee

It's not?

Abby

Yeah, it is.

McGee

It's what?

Abby

Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It's snot.

McGee

Well, why didn't you just say that?