Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Tony

What do you mean the security camera's not working?

McGee

I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for days.

Tony

Isn't that illegal?!

Gibbs

Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.

Tony

How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?

Tony.

Tony

Sorry.

We're all worried about Ziva.

Tony

I know. It's just different for some of us.

Abby

[watching footage of Tony in the bullpen] Okay, he starts to turn the picture over. There!

McGee

Go two frames back. See, that looks like a woman to me.

Abby

No, it doesn't. It looks like a hairy pirate with a mustache!

McGee

You mean Tony's assignment is to kill Johnny Depp?

Ziva

I like Johnny Depp.

Abby

This isn't working.

Ziva

It is too grainy. I cannot see anything.

McGee

I don't feel comfortable doing this.

Abby

I know. We're spying. On family.

Ziva

Well, sometimes we must cross boundaries to protect those we care about.

McGee

Well, hypothetically, what if Ray was Tony's target?

Ziva

Okay, though I am confident it is not Ray, we should prepare ourselves for the unexpected.

McGee

I hope it isn't anyone we know.

Gibbs

Go home, McGee. You can't be professional. Go home.

McGee

Boss, I won't let you treat her like that, she's my grandmother.

Gibbs

She's also the lead witness in a murder investigation. What do you want me to do? Needlepoint my questions?

McGee

Penny had nothing to do with Lieutenant Booth's death.

Gibbs

I never said that!

McGee

What are you going to do? Break her down until she cracks?

Gibbs

Until I am done, Tim! I don't like this any more than you do, I know she's a family member.

McGee

Boss, she means everything to me.

Gibbs

I respect that. This is about murder, a guy is dead. Enough! We find what was in those papers. We find Booth's killer.

McGee

And she's the one that can tell us. She will talk to me.

Tony

McGee's old man is the legend, right? Called him the Great Santini

Ziva

Wait a minute. He's a magician? I thought he was a Navy admiral?

Tony

The movie, Ziva. [Ziva rolls her eyes] The Great Santini starring the great Robert Duvall, who played the ruthless military pilot and brutal family man "Bull" Meechum.

McGee

Please don't...

Tony

[impersonating Duvall, who, as noted, plays Meechum in the movie] "There's those that has got 'em...and those that don't! [...] Gonads, Son! Big brass ones!"

McGee

And there it is. [Ziva smiles]

Tony

Kinda makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.

McGee

There are similarities.

Tony

He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.

Ziva

That is disgusting.

McGee

Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The veneer of impenetrability.

Tony

The skill of turning one word into a rallying cry.

Gibbs

Gear up!

Tony

[to McGee] I guess that's two words isn't it.

Gibbs

Is something funny DiNozzo?!

Tony

No boss! Grabbing my gear!

McGee

If you don't want to talk to me, fine. But Gibbs is going to have questions and he's not going to be nice about it, trust me.

I think you forget that I staged a sit-in with Gloria Steinham at our nation's capital and spent seven nights in prison, or jail really. After the Selma riots in '65...

McGee

...and three in Chicago after the '68 convention.

And I think I can handle this Gibbs person.

Tony

Genghis Khan couldn't handle Gibbs. You should talk to your grandson, Penny.

McGee

I think we should have waited for Gibbs.

Tony

No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long. Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.

McGee

Why?

Tony

The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.

McGee

Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was until I told you!

Tony

Neither did Ziva!

Abby

No. You're never going to find the perfect woman for Gibbs.

McGee

How do you know?

Abby

Because he's already found her.

McGee

His first wife. That doesn't mean we can't still try, right?

Abby

It's futile.

Ziva

Doesn't he know they do not take the trash out on weekends?! Why does he order the same stinky take-out from the same stinky place?!

McGee

Because it's the only place open on Saturday at 2am.

Tony

He's working weekends. Did he call you guys over the weekend too?

Twice.

Tony

About work that we could've done today.

Yeah!

McGee

Isn't 16 hours a day enough for him? Don't get me wrong. I love my work. I'm just not married to it you know.

Tony

Wait. I think I have a solution!

Ziva

What? A pet for Gibbs? A new hobby?

Tony

A new woman.

Borin

That is the last thing he needs. Grab your gear!

McGee

Tony, don't take this the wrong way but you smell like the hot cheerleader in my high school homeroom.

Borin

That White Diamond DiNozzo?

Tony

Farid spilled his laundry detergent all over the place. I got some on my pants...

McGee

Let me call Abby and see if she's got something to remove that.

Vance

Special Agents Borin and DiNozzo, please stop doing whatever it is you're doing.

Tony

We were just..er..reexamining the very special bond between the Navy and the Coast Guard, sir.

Tony

Is it possible we've done something right for Gibbs? What if it upsets the space-time continuum and sends the earth hurtling towards the sun?

Tony

Boss, we found the perfect woman for you and we would like you to ask her out.

Gibbs

Who? [points to screen] Dusty? Nice lady. Great cook.

Tony

[stares at Gibbs] Did you read that on the screen?

Gibbs

No. I dated her.

McGee

So what was wrong with her, Boss?

Gibbs

Nothing. She's perfect.

Borin

Perfect. What happened?

Gibbs

There's nothing more boring than perfect. [laughs, they all stare at him]

Ziva

Ugh.

Tony

You know it's too early when there's no one even here to make coffee.

Ziva

Does that mean you made some?

Tony

Oh yeah, and I made some nice muffins too. Get 'em while they're piping hot.

Ziva

You should have got some on the way in.

Tony

Who had the time? I got the pre-dawn wake-up call after a 2:00 A.M. night, no less.

McGee

Anyone know what's up?

Tony

Oh hey, Timmy. Yeah, Gibbs wants to get a jump on Jimmy's bridal registry. Ziva's thinking his and hers salad tongs.

Ziva

At the moment I can think of nothing but coffee.

McGee

The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.

Gibbs

Did you get a time?

McGee

A little over three hours ago.

Ducky

Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.

Ziva

Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?

Tony

Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Tony

[speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.

McGee

A little young, Tony.

Tony

Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.

Ziva

Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.

Tony

See? Ziva knows.

Ziva

What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.

Tony

That is completely unfair!

Gibbs

Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Ziva

What is going on?

Tony

I found fifteen hairs in my shower drain this morning. I tell you this because you're my friends and I need you. For twelve years, every morning I have counted the hairs in my drain and there have never been more than five. Never more than five. Never!

McGee

Every day?

Ziva

For the last twelve years?

Tony

You say that like it's not normal.

Ziva

Well that is because it's not normal.

Tony

What's not normal is a man of my vim and vigor going bald!

Ziva

Well, bald can be sexy.

Tony

Sure, if you're Connery or Nicholson. Would you date a bald man?

Ziva

I have dated men with thinning hair, yes.

Tony

Haha! Thinning hair, but not -- [makes squeaky noise] -- Baldy McBald. Hi, Special Agent Baldy McBald, want to go to Mount Baldy this weekend to do bald things? Bald!!

Ziva

Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.

Tony

Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.

McGee

The witnesses on the ground are telling the same story. There was an explosion and the plane began an immediate descent. [notices Tony's seriousness] What's with him?

Ziva

He's thinking.

Tony

This isn't the case du jour, you know. This is life calling collect saying, "Hey, I'm short. Appreciate me."