Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Tony

I hate libraries.

McGee

Another one of your fears?

Tony

Don't mock me.

McGee

What's to hate about libraries?

Tony

The smell gets me every time.

McGee

Yeah? What does a library smell like?

Tony

Lonely, smart people. [laughs]

McGee

How long have they been back there?

Abby

[smiles] Not long enough.

I can't hear a word they're saying.

Palmer

If you hadn't made that remark about her tattoos, we wouldn't be in time-out. [looks at his watch] I've got six minutes left.

Tony

Ya know, Wendy used to make the most kick-ass snickerdoodle.

McGee

I'm gonna start with a series of true or false statements.

[stares at Tony and McGee] What are you talking about?

Tony

Just think of it like lie detector test, with cookies. You just have to sit there and eat.

Tony

[standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.

Ziva

Unusual is the operative word.

McGee

[walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?

Tony

Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.

Ziva

And something is definitely up.

McGee

What are you two talking about?

Tony

The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.

McGee

My monitors? That's what you're worried about?

Tony

We're not big on change around here.

McGee

Well I thought I would try something a little different today.

Tony

What makes today so special?

Ziva

We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.

Tony

Consternation.

Ziva

No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony

[going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.

Ziva

[whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]

Tony

Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.

Ziva

Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.

McGee

[looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.

Ziva

We are merely curious and concerned.

Tony

Well, it's nothing you need to know about.

Tony

Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.

McGee

Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.

Tony

That's it?

McGee

Yes.

Tony

Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.

McGee

Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.

Tony

Let's not get carried away.

McGee

Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.

Tony

You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?

McGee

Sort of, yeah. What do I do?

Tony

It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.

Ziva

[mumbling in Hebrew] Unbelievable!

Tony

You finally saw The Crying Game?

Ziva

No. I got a speeding ticket!

Tony

Oh. You know what that means, McGee.

McGee

The system works.

Ziva

I was barely going over the limit!

McGee

Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.

Ziva

Not the entire time.

Tony

Did you tell them you were a federal agent?

Ziva

Excuse me?

Tony

Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!

Ziva

You do that often?

Tony

With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.

McGee

Or paid for parking at football games.

Tony

It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.

Ziva

I do not think Gibbs would approve.

Tony

What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.

Gibbs

What don't I know, DiNozzo?

Tony

Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]

Gibbs

Let's go. Dead Navy captain.

Ziva

Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?

McGee

I'd rather not think about it.

Tony

Sorry, I'm just --

McGee

Really pensive.

Tony

Confused.

McGee

Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?

Tony

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

McGee

Lipstick. It's not your color.

Tony

[looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.

McGee

So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.

Tony

The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.

McGee

That bad?

Tony

NTSB is still looking for bodies.

McGee

What happened?

Tony

That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.

Ducky

Sorry I was late. Been waiting for Mr Palmer to return from an errand. I had to leave without him.

Gibbs

What errand?

Ducky

Breena called. The wedding caterer they planned on using had gone out of business. The sobs almost woke the dead.

McGee

She pretty upset?

Ducky

[deadpan] She wasn't the one crying.

Tony

[notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?

McGee

Memorizing her speech.

Tony

Speech?

McGee

Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.

Tony

In what language, Vulcan?

Ziva

I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.

McGee

I think you mean back off.

Tony

Why are you so uptight, Ziva?

Ziva

Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.

Tony

Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.

Ziva

I'm trained for that.

Can I ask you guys a question? How do I get on Gibbs' good side? I would kill to be on his team.

Abby

Well, Tim would know.

McGee

Gibbs likes agents who are one step ahead, who anticipates what he wants one step ahead.

Thanks McGee.

Abby

[waves and smiles] Bye Dorney!

McGee

[flashes badge and ID] Special Agent Timothy McGee, NCIS.

[flashes badge and ID] Special Agent Ned Dorneget.

You two are NCIS agents?

McGee

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

[in disbelief] You kidding me? I applied to NCIS twice, got shot down both times.

Ziva

[On the stairs above the bullpen holding her cellphone, whispering loudly] Hey McGee, Vance isn't here either.

McGee

Uh, doesn't his son have a soccer game in Alexandria?

Ziva

No that is next week. Tony's ignoring my phone calls, and it is very unlike Gibbs to just disappear like this. [whispering loudly] Something is going on!

McGee

Actually, I think Tony said something about being on SECNAV's PSD today.

Ziva

That's probably a cover. I think they must be at some kind of..."Man Day". [McGee looks confused] You know, when men take a day to do "man" things together?

McGee

Really?

Ziva

Just because I am a woman, they do not have the courtesy to tell me where they are going, and when they are coming back!

McGee

[pauses] I'm a man!

Ziva

That's right! Which makes this even worse. [angrily dials her phone] I'm gonna call Tony again!

McGee

[he and Ziva tail Tony] Hey, where have you been? We've been calling. What's going on?

Ziva

Man Day is over and he's still ignoring us. [follows Tony] I'm not going to be ignored!

Tony

Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction. It's a good one, Ziva. Your impression of a hot lady with crazy eyes is dead on, by the way. You are a, uh, sphinx of a minx. Game on, fellas, just like we planned it.

Ziva

Tony, do not try to talk your way out of this by calling me hot.

McGee

He also called you crazy, Ziva.

Ziva

I will unleash crazy on him if he does not apologize for leaving me out of the loop.

Palmer

Excuse me, my friends, if I may have your attention please.

McGee

Looks like you're about to burst into song, Jimmy.

Palmer

Nah, it's much better than that.

Ziva

Why the coat on such a lovely day?

Tony

Holy full frontal, Autopsy Gremlin. Are you about to flash us your "Magic Johnson"?

Palmer

Even better.