Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

McGee

Since when did banks become so evil?

Tony

Since about the 12th century.

McGee

Not a hacker, either.

Ziva

How do you know?

McGee

My firewall hasn't been penetrated.

Tony

Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.

McGee

It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!

Tony

Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.

McGee

What's your point?

Tony

My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?

McGee

Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.

Tony

Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)

McGee

Erm...real funny, Tony.

Tony

(Laughs) You think I did this?

Ziva

I would not put it past you.

Tony

Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.

McGee

The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.

Ziva

I would cancel your credit card.

McGee

Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.

Tony

Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.

Tony

Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.

'Sup dude.

McGee

Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.

Tony

Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.

Ziva

Who is Mrs Miller?

Tony

It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.

Ziva

Oh.

McGee

It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!

Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.

Tony

Yeah dude.

McGee

(To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?

You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.

McGee

Not every night.

Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.

Ziva

Wait. So she cooperates in her own kidnapping and then she gets off Scotch free?

McGee

Scot.

Tony

I hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.

McGee

I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.

Ziva

[laughs] Your horoscope?

Tony

What else did it say?

McGee

Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?

Tony

Oh, just that you think you have a choice.

Ziva

And that you read your horoscope.

McGee

Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?

Tony

Same thing.

McGee

Thanks for the confidence, Tony.

Ziva

I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.

McGee

Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.

Ziva

I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.

Tony

And you loved every second of it.

McGee

Uh, Boss, I wouldn't do that. I just finished calibrating your-- [Gibbs hits the monitor again] ..monitors.

Gibbs

It was working fine until you touched it.

McGee

[goes to Gibbs' desk] All I did was tweaked the color gamma... Mind if I?... Probably just to restart your email clients... No, let me try this...

McGee

Boss, that's really not gonna help.

Gibbs

Well, it helps me.

McGee

Uh sorry Boss. [desperately trying to clean up the mess] Sorry. I'm sorry uh... how about you take mine. It's a double half-caf, Sumatra blend with a twist of lemon. [Gibbs storms off without a word] I'll have it fixed by the time you get back.

Tony

Morning, Boss. Like that shirt! [Gibbs storms past them without a word]

Tony

[to McGee] Hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.

McGee

I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.

Ziva

[laughs] Your horoscope?

Tony

What else did it say?

McGee

Avoid new relationships, which after last week is probably not a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?

Tony

Oh, just that you think you have a choice.

Ziva

And that you read your horoscope.

McGee

Oh, just for fun, but it is interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?

Tony

Same thing.

McGee

Thanks for the support, Tony.

Abby

Hi honey! Welcome home to your bloody abode.

Abby

[points to a computer tablet] It's been sitting in so much blood it kinda drowned the little guy.

McGee

Metro give it CPR?

Abby

They tried but I think it needs a Timmy touch.

Ziva

Tony, why are you trying to look at Gibbs' mail?

Tony

Oh, come on, isn't it obvious? The raised calligraphy, the paper that's made from a fabric more expensive than Timmy's shirt. [touches McGee's shirt collar, McGee pulls away] Sorry. [to Ziva] He got the same wedding invitation last week.

Ziva

How'd you know that?

Tony

I saw it. Same fancy paper. Same fancy handwriting.

Ziva

Well, someone's being persistent.

McGee

Who would wanna invite Gibbs to their wedding?

Tony

Yeah, guy's got worst wedding juju than Billy Bob Thornton and Larry King combined.

Ziva

You are overreacting. I, for one, would not mind having Gibbs there when I get married.

Ziva

[sees them staring at her] Hypothetically! [Tony and McGee continue looking at her] I mean, you know... when I... someday... you know, if I-- [exasperated] It is not important!

McGee

Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.

Ziva

I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.

Tony

The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?

Gibbs

You CIA?

Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.

Tony

That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.

It's what I do. It's not who I am.

Tony

That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals puppet regimes for a living.

Ziva

Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?

Gibbs

Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.

It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.

Tony

Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!

McGee

You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.

Tony

Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.

Gibbs

DiNozzo.

Tony

Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.

McGee

Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.

Ziva

Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.

McGee

Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.

Ziva

I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!

McGee

Neither is Tony.

Gibbs

[telling Abby and McGee how he recognized a possible suspect's picture] Rule number 35.

[look at each other and smile] Always watch the watchers.