Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Ziva

I have been working for thirty straight hours!

McGee

This is my fourth cup of the day!

Tony

Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.

Ziva

Thanks.

Abby

(to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.

McGee

Okay. What's wrong with that one?

Abby

The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.

McGee

What's wrong with that candy bar?

Abby

It has nougat in it.

McGee

But you hate nougat.

Abby

I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!

McGee

All I have are big bills.

Ziva

What is nougat?

Tony

It's whipped dolphin fat.

McGee

No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.

Abby

That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!

Tony

Sure, I got one.

Abby

Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]

Ziva

I don't even know what nougat is!

Gibbs

It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.

McGee

Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?

Tony

Yeah. She stole my dollar.

McGee

She definitely seemed Un-Abby.

Ziva

Who?

Tony

Abby.

Ziva

Abby's unhappy?

Tony

No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.

McGee

Why you?

Tony

Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.

McGee

Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.

Tony

See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?

Ziva

The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.

Tony

All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.

McGee

I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.

Tony

Let it go, Probie.

McGee

Why?

Tony

Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.

Tony

Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?

McGee

Everyday!

Tony

...Wrong person to ask.

Tony

There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.

McGee

Well... at least you know you're not dead.

McGee

The blood starts at the ping-pong table.

Tony

Beer pong.

McGee

Huh?

Tony

This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.

Tony

What did you do at MIT?

McGee

Study.

Tony

Figures.

Ducky

From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...

McGee

Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.

Gibbs

Army what? McGee?

McGee

[reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

McGee

Have you ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?

Tony

Only at the end of a really hairy date.

McGee

I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.

Ziva

You'd adapt.

McGee

What if I didn't?

Ziva

You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die.

McGee

Remind me not to come to you for a pep-talk anytime soon.

Gibbs

What's he hiding?

McGee

For the most part, not a whole lot. It's about the most boring diary I've ever read. An obsession with Kelly Clarkson... wondering why he can't find a girlfriend...

Abby

He didn't make the connection between those two things?

Tony

Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.

McGee

Quit drinking caffeine.

Ziva

Abby?!

Tony

Abby Sciuto?

Abby

I love you, McGee. Not like "love you" love you. Not that I don't love you, because I do, kind of. You know, like the way I love puppies.

McGee

I could have done without that comparison.

Abby

But I love puppies.

Abby

They're questioning the validity of my ballistics!

McGee

Scaletti's lawyers are desperate. They're desperate. They're like drowning men grasping...

Abby

...at thin polystyrene tubes?

What're you doing here?

Ziva

I asked first.

McGee

Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.

Ziva

Liar.