Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Abby

The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from belta-glucose. What makes it interesting, is the backbone of D-xylopyranose, linked with eight xylose units... Panda poop.

Gibbs

Panda?

Abby

Poop. Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does. What makes it really, really interesting... is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a Chlorine bleach.

Abby

[pause] I, lost you at "poop", huh.

Gibbs

Uh-huh.

Bring her in for another interview.

Gibbs

Wait.

I said bring her in!

Gibbs

And I said wait!

Tony

This never turns out well for the kids.

Tony

Hi. [notices Gibbs glaring at him] Hey Boss. Sorry about that. It's, uh, Sinatra. You gotta sing along. I mean it's Old Blue Eyes, Chairman of the Board. I'm gonna rat pack it up.

Becoming an alpha male means that without saying a word, you're able to project confidence and sexuality simply through your body language....

McGee

MIT lecture. [Gibbs continues staring at him] Nothing I can't listen to on my own time.

Abby

It's the newest version Gibbs. It's 160 gigabytes. You could download like 40,000 songs.

Gibbs

I only listen to 5, Abs.

Abby

Five thousand?

Gibbs

No! Five!

Abby

Oh Gibbs, we really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.

McGee

Dead Marine.

Ziva

Army base.

Tony

Her rock smashes his scissors, which puts the Colonel on top.

You work for me on this one Jethro. It's my army base, my crime scene.

Gibbs

And my people, my office.

They know we're still seeing each other?

McGee

She--

Ziva

Still on top?

McGee

Seeing Gibbs.

Tony

Same thing. But an excellent question nonetheless, Probie.

We have, uh, a little issue.

Jenny

We?

You want to tell her, Agent Gibbs?

Gibbs

[mutters] No, not particularly.

Jenny

Is this issue going to involve lawyers?

It already did. [Gibbs looks away uncomfortably] It's his ex-wife. She's a material witness.

Jenny

And which ex would that be?

Gibbs

Stephanie.

Jenny

What number is she again? Second?

Gibbs

Third.

Jenny

All right. You lived in Europe with her for a while, Frankfurt?

Gibbs

Moscow.

Jenny

Two years?

Gibbs

One.

Jenny

Well, it's hard to live in Moscow. With anyone. [to Mann] Do you think he should "divorce" himself from this case, Colonel Mann?

No, no, ma'am, no.

Jenny

Nor do I. I don't see a problem if you conduct the interview. [to Gibbs] Do you have a problem with Colonel Mann interviewing your ex-wife Agent Gibbs?

Gibbs

Do I have a choice?

No.

Gibbs

So it was greed, huh.

DiNozzo?

Tony

My acting boss says you ain't going anywhere.

Gibbs

What did you sell and who did you sell it to?

Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.

Gibbs

[smiles] Abby?

McGee

[grins] Sweet.

Tony

Highland Beach in October. Not much of a tourist draw. Soft-shelled crab season's almost over. People really like boats that much?

Gibbs

You work for the Navy, DiNozzo.

Gibbs

Who do you work for Tobias? Homeland Security or the FBI?

World's on my shoulders Gibbs.

Gibbs

World made of paper.

Kinda defeats the purpose of e-mail when you have to print it all out for the file anyway.

Gibbs

Yeah. That's why I don't use it.

Really? Not because you can't figure out how to work it?

Tony

[watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Brought to you by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as usual, the FBI, and the elusive Kamal Konkani.

Gibbs

Freeze it.

Tony

[British accent] The Dread Pirate Roberts, I presume.

Ziva

[mimicking his accent] Did you get her number?

Tony

Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva

I did.

Abby

[Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [Speaking normal, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?

Gibbs

Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?

Abby

Um, not so much anymore.

Abby

You guys okay?

McGee

Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.

Abby

So, what's Gibbs dealing with?

Gibbs

Them.

Tony

I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.

Gibbs

Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.

Tony

How'd he die?

Gibbs

Silently.

Tony

So this whole thing was a Russian black ops mission to recover their nuke?

McGee

So pirates that weren't really pirates were actually Russian sailors who were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?

Gibbs

[smiles] Uh-huh.

Gibbs

That lipstick on your collar McGee?

McGee

[uneasily] Well...

Gibbs

Good for you, Tim. Good for you. Just don't ever get married.

Gibbs

Tell me you didn't just lose all that information!

Tony

McGee! [McGee hunches over Tony's computer] Space bar?

McGee

[typing] Just push the buttons I tell you to push, monkey.

Tony

Love is not treating you well, my friend.

McGee

Yeah, no kidding.