Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Hello, Tony.

Tony

Adam. You make the big move from Shin Bet to Mossad or are you just here to say hi?

You know why I’m here.

Tony

Do I?

Rest assured, Agent DiNozzo, we are all focused on one objective.

Tony

What’s that?

Find Ziva David.

[After being told to partner up with Tony since McGee lost his creds.] Oh, I‘be heard stories about this guy. His car blew up, he almost died from the plague. [to Tony] And didn't someone shoot at you a few months ago?

Tony

He missed.

[Groans, back to Gibbs] I only have two weeks left, Gibbs. I shouldn't even be in the same room with as this moving target.

Gibbs

[Walks away] Go.

This is your fault, McGee. You're gonna pay. [walks away]

McGee

[looking on as Gibbs assesses Agent Grady, to Tony] It's worse than we thought. She's applying for a full-time position. Criminal investigator. Gibbs is conducting the preliminary review.

Tony

[discreetly] What's the plan?

McGee

She's not gonna be as easy to chase away as the others.

Tony

[whispers] We can't let Gibbs know that she annoys us. He'll think we feel threatened.

Abby

We're dealing with a sadistic evil genius.

McGee

[notices Tony] I think you have that equation right?

Tony

[catches sight of McGee's desk] OH! What have we here! about safe agent-ing seriously. [chuckles] That's a little overboard McRibbed.

McGee

[unamused] You've had your fun Tony. Unwrap it.

Tony

Oh. Gosh. I'm flattered. But unfortunately, that prophylaxis is not the work of yours truly.

Abby

Then who's work is it?

Tony

Who knows? The Great Pumpkin? Headless Horseman? Perhaps the Ghost of Halloween Past? Mike Franks? Possibilities are endless.

Tony

[chuckles while watching McGee unwrap the plastic around his desk] Timmy, you fell prey to one of the oldest pranks in the book. Guess that's why the classics never go out of style.

McGee

[sarcastically] Lack of imagination and individuality? Sounds like your MO.

Tony

Don't be mad at me. I didn't do anything. You know what it is? You make yourself too easy of a target, McBullseye. You need to "keep movin'". Well, me? I like a challenge. Pullin' one over on Gibbs. That would be a feat for the ages.

McGee

[eyes Tony in disbelief] What do you have, a death wish?

Tony

[impersonating Sean Connery as James Bond] "I like to live dangerously."

Tony

[to the suspect] Christmas came early this year for the FBI.

McGee

[deadpan] Booyah.

Tony

[looks at McGee] "Booyah"??? What is that?

McGee

What is with you lately?

Tony

Me? [chuckles] Tim, you systematically eat my yogurt all week.

McGee

Well, if you don't want me to eat then write your name on it.

Tony

I shouldn't have to, Tim.

McGee

You don't deserve yogurt, you know that? All you do is bash people: me, the suit guy, Jackson.

Tony

[subtly sarcastically] Ok. I got it. Thanks for setting me straight. You are the wind beneath my wings. [drops a box onto McGee's desk]

McGee

[eyes the box and then Tony] What is this?

Tony

[grins] Oh, uh, case files from Metro. Other robberies in the area.

McGee

Yeah, why are they on my desk?

Tony

Uh, because I would like you to go through them and see if you can find any links to our homicide.

McGee

[in disbelief] Are you taking point?

Tony

I am.

McGee

That's insane. There's only two of us here and Gibbs will be back in a few hours.

Tony

Go through the files. Probie. [glares at McGee and walks away]

Tony

[breathes in deeply and sighs] You always smell so great.

Let me guess, you missed the sexual harrassment meeting again this year.

Tony

You notice anything different about Carrie, Boss? No wedding ring. Told you the husband was a handbag.

Ducky

[looks at Tony, confused] Handbag?

Gibbs

[as he leaves the squad room] Something useless you hang on your arm.

Ducky

[chuckles] Oh.

McGee

[annoyed] Do you have to know everything?

Tony

Yes, it's in my DNA.

Tony

What's so funny?

McGee

That was Hollander in HR. She claims that she saw you this morning at the front gate getting off a city bus.

Tony

Yeah, that was me. Listen I know I made fun of you in the past for riding the bus but I have to admit I was wrong. I've been using public transportation and I really like it.

McGee

You're kidding.

Tony

No, I have time to read, make some calls and best of all, get to watch people. People are fascinating.

McGee

[bemused] Ok Tony. I'm---I don't even know what I am right know...but I know you and this is not you.

Tony

[grimaces] Rhoda!

McGee

Bishop's gonna be useless for the next week. [turns to Tony] Should we rescue her?

Tony

No. If you can't handle Rhoda, Gibbs is gonna melt her brain.

Ellie Bishop

[confused] What just happened? Did I do something wrong?

Tony

No, you just passed your first test. Rhoda from HR. [whispers] Legendary.

McGee

But don't get too kind. Still gotta take that polygraph.

Bishop

I have to take another polygraph??!

Tony

Uh-hmm. And then all you have to do is survive Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. In case you haven't heard the man––

Bishop

[in a low voice] Is actually coming up behind you right now.

McGee

[glares at Bishop] You're not supposed to do that.

Bishop

[crestfallen] What do I do now???

Tony

[smirks] You've made a friend.

Tony

[whispers to Gibbs] That's funny, that looks like your ex-wife.

Champagne first, and then a little...

Well, tie me up and call me Loretta.

Gibbs

[blinks] Wow.

Tony

Wowsers.

Bishop

So Agent Fornell was married to Gibbs' ex-wife?

Tony

[grins] Yup.

Bishop

And the owner of the second cellphone from our crime scene was dating Gibbs' ex-wife?

McGee

Yup.

Bishop

Phoah. That's quite a coincidence.

Tony

[chuckles] I know. It really is.

McGee

You know, it's hard to imagine the same woman liking Fornell and this Eddie guy. Although maybe Diane liked him because he's not Fornell.

Best to leave the psychoanalysis to Ducky. If you value breathing.

McGee

[looks behind to Bishop] Bishop, you could've warned me.

Bishop

[innocently] You said I wasn't supposed to do that!

Gibbs

[walks in] Tobias, hey, what are you doing here?

Just thought you might need some help. Diane's really worried. Just want to put her mind at ease.

Gibbs

[smirks] Yeah, uh-huh.

You shot me... in the caboose. You owe me.