Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

David, DiNozzo, perimeter.

Tony

You sure you don't want us to help you in there boss...? Of course not, because if you did, you would have said, "David, DiNozzo, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

Tony

Well, well. Look who's finally here.

Ziva

Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing.

Tony

Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.

Tony

Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?

McGee

Everyday!

Tony

...Wrong person to ask.

Tony

There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.

McGee

Well... at least you know you're not dead.

I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?

Ziva

Tony.

Tony

Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.

Ziva

Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.

Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?

Tony

She does have a valid point, Ziva.

We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!

Ziva

A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!

Tony

No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--

Gibbs

[Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?

Tony

I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.

Gibbs

I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.

Ziva

That works for me.

Paula

Works for me, too, David.

Ziva

Da-veed!

McGee

The blood starts at the ping-pong table.

Tony

Beer pong.

McGee

Huh?

Tony

This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.

Tony

What did you do at MIT?

McGee

Study.

Tony

Figures.

Ziva

Was no secret he was writing about us.

Tony

Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?

Ziva

And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?

Tony

Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?

Ziva

When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?

Tony

Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.

Ziva

Yeah, totally unrealistic.

Tony

Would never happen.

McGee

Have you ever seen anyone walk that quickly in heels?

Tony

Only at the end of a really hairy date.

Tony

Abby's processing evidence from his office. She nearly bit my head off when I poked it into her lab to check on her.

McGee

Quit drinking caffeine.

Ziva

Abby?!

Tony

Abby Sciuto?

Tony

How long were you guys there?

Ziva

Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?

Tony

We're discussing it.

Ziva

What is there to discuss?

Tony

It's complicated.

Ziva

Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for 'if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word "complicated" and hopefully you will stop asking!'

Tony

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants...

Ziva

Tony.

Tony

Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]

Ziva

Stop laughing or I will hurt you.

Ziva

I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes, and I know what you're hiding from.

Tony

Really? What's that?

Ziva

What everyone who is afraid to love hides from: getting hurt.

Tony

It's not just me that I'm worried about hurting, Ziva.

Ziva

That's because you're a good person.

Ducky

Hey! I win the pool!

Tony

Wait a minute. How did you figure that?

Ducky

I predicted Gibbs would last four days as Director before reverting to working a case.

Tony

So, uh, Director, does that mean you're...

Gibbs

I'm heading the investigation. [Ducky walks past them] Hey, Duck! You win the pool.

Ducky

Yes! Thank you Jethro! [McGee stares at him]

Gibbs

And I didn't do anything wrong, McGee.

I can go?

Gibbs

[walks in] You can go to the head or our conference room.

[points to Tony] He said I could leave!

Tony

Well, what I say doesn't count when the Boss is here.

Like me when the wife is around.

McGee

What was that for?

Tony

Believing I was dead.

McGee

Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.

Ziva

Don't even think about the headslap.

Abby

Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!

Ziva

OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.

Tony

That's my letter opener!

Ziva

Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have always admired it.

Tony

(checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?

Abby

Palmer.

Tony

Mighty Mouse stapler?

Abby

Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky!

Ducky

My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!