Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?

Ziva

Yes.

Tony

They ever forgive you?

Ziva

They never found out.

Tony

Mine found out.

Ziva

[Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?

McGee

You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?

Tony

I can hear you, you know.

Ziva

I am here if you'd like to talk.

Tony

About what?

Ziva

I know how much you cared about her.

Tony

I'm fine, Ziva.

Ziva

All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.

Tony

If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.

McGee

You put superglue on my keyboard!

McGee

All right. I think I know what happened here.

Tony

Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.

McGee

The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-

Gibbs

I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

Tony

You know, I saw this on Cinemax once.

Ziva

So what happens now?

Tony

They play some funky music and you say, "I have been watching you from afar."

Ziva

Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.

Tony

Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.

Ziva

And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?

Tony

I said I'm fine.

Ziva

You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.

Tony

Even if I was, this bothers you because...?

Ziva

Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in judgment falling in love with that girl.

Tony

If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.

Ziva

And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.

Tony

I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.

Ziva

Feelings you need to let go.

Tony

That easy, huh?

Ziva

Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for her? You did not think this through.

Tony

Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?

Ziva

No. Actually, I didn't.

Tony

Well, it does.

Ziva

Well, it shouldn't.

Tony

Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.

Ziva

You crossed the line, Tony.

Tony

Oh, I crossed the line?

Gibbs

Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?

Tony

Hey! She followed me in there!

Ziva

Only because you wouldn't talk to me!

Tony

[Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Tony

Interrogation got a little out of hand. I had to---

Tony

I can't explain that. [Man at urinal grunts at the sight of Ziva, zips, and flushes urinal]

Ziva

Hello. [Glances at the man leaving the men's room] Again.

Tony

Crash and burn, only a matter of time.

Ziva

What?

Tony

Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.

Ziva

Could last a lifetime.

Tony

Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...

Ziva

A whom?

Tony

Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.

Ziva

A what, then?

Tony

What then? Uh... what? What...

Ziva

I'm still just a what?

A girl.

Tony

Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?

Ziva

Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!

Bring her in for another interview.

Gibbs

Wait.

I said bring her in!

Gibbs

And I said wait!

Tony

This never turns out well for the kids.

Tony

Hi. [notices Gibbs glaring at him] Hey Boss. Sorry about that. It's, uh, Sinatra. You gotta sing along. I mean it's Old Blue Eyes, Chairman of the Board. I'm gonna rat pack it up.

Becoming an alpha male means that without saying a word, you're able to project confidence and sexuality simply through your body language....

McGee

MIT lecture. [Gibbs continues staring at him] Nothing I can't listen to on my own time.

Abby

It's the newest version Gibbs. It's 160 gigabytes. You could download like 40,000 songs.

Gibbs

I only listen to 5, Abs.

Abby

Five thousand?

Gibbs

No! Five!

Abby

Oh Gibbs, we really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.

McGee

Dead Marine.

Ziva

Army base.

Tony

Her rock smashes his scissors, which puts the Colonel on top.

You work for me on this one Jethro. It's my army base, my crime scene.

Gibbs

And my people, my office.

They know we're still seeing each other?

McGee

She--

Ziva

Still on top?

McGee

Seeing Gibbs.

Tony

Same thing. But an excellent question nonetheless, Probie.

The husband, the wife and the lover. All the trademarks of a classic love triangle.

Tony

You forgot the lover's lover which would make it technically, I think, a lover's quadrangle.

Gibbs

So it was greed, huh.

DiNozzo?

Tony

My acting boss says you ain't going anywhere.

Gibbs

What did you sell and who did you sell it to?

Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.

Gibbs

[smiles] Abby?

McGee

[grins] Sweet.

Ziva

Did you get her number?

Tony

Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva

I did.