Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Kate

Give him 5 seconds.

McGee

Until what?

Kate

Until he notices there's a ...

Tony

Bikini contest?!

Gibbs

[to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.

Tony

Thank you, boss.

Gibbs

She knew she was pregnant. Any idea about the father?

Tony

She used a pay phone to call him, but his cell was turned off. She said she left a message.

Kate

[laughing to herself] That's your worst nightmare, Tony.

Tony

[taunting] So, how's it going with those letters, Kate?

Kate

I'm working on it. Thanks, Tony.

Gibbs

How long?

Kate

Two days, three tops.

Gibbs

You've got four.

Kate

[surprised] Really?

Gibbs

Hours.

Kate

[deadpan] Sounds about right.

Kate

Where did you get this?!

Tony

Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama City last month.

Kate

Oh, my God...

Tony

Yeah, I was going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to tell everyone my pledge name!

Kate

You wouldn't dare!

Tony

Oh?

Gibbs

Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing [gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]

McGee

Goat rope?

Tony

Marine term, Probie.

Kate

It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.

McGee

Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?

You are!

Kate

[smiles] You're wasting your time. Doesn't bother me anymore, Tony.

Tony

Probie, wanna see something hot?

McGee

[walking over] Sure!

Kate

[whispering] What's-it-gonna-cost-me?

Tony

I don't know... you still have that Catholic schoolgirl uniform?

Tony

Hey, turn that frown upside down, sweetie... we're going back to college!

Kate

Your problem, Tony, is you never left.

McGee

Is Gibbs still mad at me?

Tony

About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?

Kate

He's going to kill you.

Gibbs

You find my hacker yet?

Tony

McGee's upstairs working on it.

Gibbs

I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker! [walks out the room]

Tony

Did you hear that, Palmer?

Palmer

He sounded pretty upset.

Tony

No. [smiles] He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.

Abby

You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.

Kate

Oh, I'm looking at one right now.

Tony

Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think it's an experience that...

Kate

I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.

Abby

[Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!

Kate

Tony's car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work.

Tony

[irritated] You know what kind of people take the bus?

McGee

Yeah, I take the bus.

Tony

Exactly.

Tony

Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn't understand I have to have my car.

McGee

I'm giving you a rental, DiNozzo. What's the big deal?

Tony

Not the same, bus boy. My car's part of my being.

Tony

You're taking the stairs McGee.

McGee

Why??

Tony

'Cause I'm not taking an elevator with someone who doesn't know who Gary Cooper was!

Kate

Tony, Please, we're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?

Tony

Deal.

Kate

Thank you.

Tony

Who would send me a letter with anthrax?

Kate

Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.

Tony

That's not funny, Kate.

Kate

Yeah, I know.

Tony

This is serious.

Kate

I know, Tony! I'm sorry.

Tony

At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!

McGee

You know, it might not be anthrax.

Tony

I like the sound of that, Probie!

McGee

It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...

Tony

Probie!

McGee

...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...

Tony

Honeydust!

McGee

"Honeydust"?

Tony

Honeydust. I give it to girls.

Tony

Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

Kate

[chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?

McGee

I never heard of honeydust.

Kate

Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

Gibbs

It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.

Gibbs

Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.

Tony

Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

Kate

Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

McGee

Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

Tony

The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?

McGee

They do.

Kate

Oh, you should have let him squirm.

Tony

Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!

Gibbs

Unless the post office screwed up again.