Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

So, tell me doc. What have I got?

[sighs] Pneumonic Plague.

Tony

Plague? [chuckles] Plague..

Kate

That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages.

Tony

I didn't put plague in the letter.

Kate

You opened it!

Tony

Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying... [realizes]

Kate

Yeah. That's right,Travolta. I'm infected too.

Tony

[sincere] Oh Kate, I'm sorry.

Kate

Well you're going to be sorrier.

Tony

[all serious] No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.

Tony

If I get anthrax, how will you feel?

Gibbs

Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Tony

Did you go Sake Bombing last night?

Kate

It's a cold! Ugh! Sake Bombing?

Tony

Come on Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of Sake Bombing!

Kate

Would I ask if I...? (thinks for a minute) Forget it. I don't want to know!

Tony

You take a cup of hot sake, drop it in a beer, you toss it back and... (makes explosion sound)

Kate

(sarcastically) Sake bombing?

Tony

Great for a cold!

Kate

I'll stick to honey and hot tea, thanks!

Tony

McGee. Kate's never heard of Sake Bombing!

McGee

Yeah, I don't think I have either.

Tony

I work with a pair of wankers!

Gibbs

And you make three, DiNozzo!

Tony

And a very good morning to you boss!

McGee

(holds up a letter) This one is only addressed to Special Agent, NCIS.

Tony

(sees the lipstick mark on the envelope) I think that's mine!

McGee

(holds it out of Tony's reach) Huh? (sarcastically) How do you know?

Tony

(snatches it back) I recognise the lips and the scent!

Kate

(sarcastically) Gummy bears?

Gibbs

(whistles to get everyone's attention) There has been a letter opened with a white powder. Use the back entrance, you all know the drill!

Kate

(calls to Tony) Tony! (throws a bottle of water at him and then calls security) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's Office, dispersed a fine, white powder. Level Two evacuating!

Gibbs

McGee, you up on procedures?

McGee

Yeah. We shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested, no one leaves the building unless...

Tony

(pouring water over his hair and face) Lucky me! I've won a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pincushion!

Kate

(hears a clunking noise) They've shut down the air. (panicked for Tony's sake) Lets hit the showers, Tony!

Tony

I thought you'd never ask...! Sorry, boss!

Tony

(lays on his bed clicking his fingers) Do you know who I feel like?

Kate

I'm afraid to ask!

Tony

Like the king of cool!

Kate

Elvis?

Tony

Elvis was the king of rock and roll, Travolta is the king of cool!

Kate

Well thanks for the clarification!

Tony

And do you know why I feel like Travolta?

Kate

I feel a movie coming on!

Tony

THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE! Travolta plays this boy born with an immune deficiancy...this was before AIDS! He lived in a giant plastic bubble!

Kate

Tony? (when she gets no answer she starts begging) Tony please! We're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?

Tony

Deal.

Kate

(sleepily) Thank you.

Tony

Emma?

Yes

Tony

You'll enjoy this...you look pretty without the mask by the way!

(rolls her eyes)

Tony

Ralph Bellamy played the doctor and now Ralph Bellamy was this big time actor who...

Kate

(pulls the pillow over her head in vain)

Ducky

[hugging her] You were brave to stay with him, Kate.

Kate

[sobbing quietly] He's dying, Ducky.

Gibbs

[walks past them] Oh, the hell he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell are you?

Gibbs

His boss. The bug has a suicide gene. It's dead. It's been dead for over an hour. He's no longer infectious. (whispers to a very ill Tony) Tony, listen to me. Are you listening?

Tony

(weakly) I'm listening. I'm listening, Boss.

Gibbs

(whispers) You will not die, you got that? (beat) I said, you will not die.

Tony

(whispers) Okay, I got you, Boss.

Gibbs

(whispers) Good. (Gibbs hands Tony his phone.) It's your new cell. I'd get the number changed. Women keep calling for Spanky.

Tony

[watches the team gear up for a call-out, still ignored, and disconcerted] Maybe I did die.

Gibbs

[stands next to him] You feel that?

Tony

[glances at Gibbs] What?

Gibbs

[smiles] You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.

Gibbs

Come on, DiNozzo. We've got problems - someone's trying to kill us again.

Tony

So someone really is trying to kill us?!

McGee

Is it me, or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?

Tony

That's because he's looking forward to it.

McGee

Looking forward to what?

Tony

To finally getting to kill him.

Gibbs

Protection detail's over, Kate.

Tony

You did good.

Gibbs

For once DiNozzo's right

Kate

[stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever heard...

[on distant rooftop, coldly, looking up from his sniper rifle] Sorry, Caitlin...

Gibbs

Ari...

Abby

He's supposed to make that noise.

Tony

You have a stuffed animal that farts?

Abby

Yeah, it's cool huh...

Tony

Yeah, in a disturbing way.

Gibbs

You first.

Tony

Ziva David, Mossad, she's here to stop you from whacking Ari. Yours?

Gibbs

Director Jenny Shepard, same mission.

Tony

Which agency?

Gibbs

Ours.

Tony

Yeah?

Tony

That's a first.

McGee

He called me "Tim."

Tony

Patted my back.

McGee

It was kind of nice.

Tony

Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!

Abby

What can I do for you?... What?

Tony

You're weirder than Gibbs.

Abby

How so?

Tony

He's being nice.

Abby

Gibbs is always nice.

Tony

To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.

Abby

Which makes you feel wanted.

Tony

Yeah!