Kip! There's no monsters! Turn the light off! [A truck horn blares and he sits up, seeing a truck driving towards him] TRUCK!!!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[putting on his racing suit] Check it out, Napoleon. It's aerodynamic and snug in all the right places.
[disgusted] Gross! You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings.
I also got science on my side. This bracelet has a magnet in it. I bought it from a SkyMall catalog I found at the site of a plane crash.
You can wear all the magic crap you want. This is my race, Rico! That's why I'm in the Preston Garden of Fame.
Yeah, next to Preston's first monogamist couple.
And the astronaut whose car broke down here.
Wow. That got that up quick.
[Napoleon and Rico are being interviewed at the Main Street Grill after winning the Bed Race]
And that's when I knew I won the Bed Race fair and square. Any questions?
[raises her hand] Deb Bradshaw, Preston High School Bugle. Napoleon, what advice do you have for young people?
Follow your dreams. Also, never throw a water balloon at a pickup truck. There might be a judge inside.
As student body president, I present you with a lifetime hall pass. This is good for any hall in the school.
Sweet! What about stairwells?
I'm not God, Napoleon.
CECowboy Employee
Rico, in honor of your great victory today, I'm taking down that picture you hate so much.
The one that says, "Do not take checks from this man?"
CECowboy Employee
No. This one. [takes down the picture of a teenage Rico losing a football game and replaces it with the one of him and Napoleon crossing the finish line]
CChef
[offering Rico a sandwich he made for him] Rico, I made a special sandwich, named it after you.
Really? What's it called?
CChef
The Rico.
Hey, that's my name!
CChef
It's got crawfish, peanuts, and strawberries.
Aren't you allergic to all those things?
Yeah, but how often do you get a sandwich named after you? [takes a bite of the sandwich and his face swells up; muffled] Delicious. Such an honor.
We need to talk, without any broads around. [To Candy] No offense, my lady.
Here's the key to the snack bar. Go get yourself a "Tobleroney."
[Candy gets up and walks to the snack bar]
And a box of Dots! [To Rico] Rico, I'm kind of feeling guilty. We need to tell Grandma we cheated.
Oh, no, we don't. You like not paying for your dragon figurines?
Uh-huh.
You enjoy roaming the halls at school like an escaped gorilla at the zoo?
Heck, yes, I do.
Then best you keep your mouth shut.
But, I'm worried about Grandma! I think her brain is broken.
What about your Uncle Rico? This is the happiest I've ever been! Look at me, with a girl in a movie theater on a Saturday night. I'm like the goll-dang president!
CCandy
[To Napoleon] I'm sorry, did you say Dots or Duds?
"Dots!" Geez!
I'm serious, Napoleon. The town even wants to put one of them bush statues of me in the Garden of Fame. Please don't take all this away from me. I don't wanna die alone in that van.
Fine! Forget I asked!
CCandy
[returns and mistakenly gives Napoleon a box of Duds] Here's your Duds.
[Napoleon annoyingly groans loudly and leaves the theater, fuming]
[wakes up, startled] That was close. I almost had a bad dream. [takes a napkin from the dispenser and wipes his face]
NDNapkin Dispenser
All the napkins in the world can't wipe the guilt off your face, Napoleon.
Wha…?
DFDragon Figurine
He's right, Napoleon. You cheated your grandma.
NDNapkin Dispenser
The dragon and I don't agree on much, but we agree on this.
You guys can talk?
ICInk Cartridge
All your ill-gotten gains can talk.
NDNapkin Dispenser
Ill-gotten gains lead to gain-gotten ills.
Uh-huh. Wait, what?
NHNapoleon Hall Pass
If you spent more time in class and less time in the hall, you'd understand.
NSNapoleon's Bed
[roars] You've peed on me countless times and I've always pretended not to notice, but this I can't ignore!
Why aren't you haunting Uncle Rico?!
NSNapoleon's Bed
He doesn't have a conscience. Or a bed. You've got to tell the truth! Admit your deceit!
And if I don't?
NSNapoleon's Bed
Oh, that DOES it!
NDNapkin Dispenser
Stop it, bed! You're going too far!
DFDragon Figurine
Yes, you said there'd be no killing.
NSNapoleon's Bed
I said lots of things!
[wakes up, surprised and sweating] I did have a bad dream! [takes a napkin from the dispenser that says: "DO THE RIGHT THING!" and another that says: "ORDER MORE NAPKINS NOW!"]
NDNapkin Dispenser
Tell her!
You can't talk, I'm awake.
NDNapkin Dispenser
You're daydreaming. Now snap out of it and tell her!
Grandma, I can't take it anymore! Rico and I cheated! You should've won that race!
What are you saying?
I'm saying, Rico and I cheated. You should've won that race!
I knew I wasn't an old lady. To the Garden of Fame!
How are we gonna get there? You gave your car to the Lord.
I know something faster than a car.
Oh, man, I wouldn't want to be whoever she's mad at.
[fiercely] Rico!
[gasps; nervously] Now, Carlinda, I can explain.
Get your head in here.
[sadly obliges] Yes, ma'am. [puts his head under her arm]
I believe you have something to tell my fans. [lowers down the microphone to him]
[talks into the microphone; to the crowd] After giving it much thought, I've decided I can no longer go on with this charade. I cheated in the Bed Race.
[The townspeople gasp in complete shock]
MOMayor Odell
Rico, give back your key to the city.
[Rico takes out his keychain from his pocket and struggles to get the city key out and sadly hands it over]
Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…
You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?
You know it, G.
To the convent!
[They drive off in Rico's van as the sun sets]
All right, what's the plan?
Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.
[unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.
Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.
Oy.
What are you doing here, Filson? I thought you graduated.
FFilson
Nope, failed English.
[The FFA students gasp]
But you're great at English.
FFilson
Is I, Napoleon? Is I?
You failed on purpose!
FFilson
You didn't think I was gonna let you have all the glory and the women, did you?
You don't care about the FFA, Filson.
Is that jerky? [eats a jerky stick]
[Rico's van parks in front of a family's house dining room window]
Rico, what are you doing?! I wanna watch TV!
When you live in a van, the whole world is your personal television set.
I do love my trashy family dramas.
Well, enjoy the latest episode of "329 Oneida Street." [turns on the radio for background music as the family eat dinner at the table from inside the house] Okay, let me get you caught up. Last week, that girl there, she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.
That's not good.
And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her, but he's just being secretive 'cause he's planning her birthday party. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.
[as the father sees them and gets up from the table, walking to the front door] This is my kind of show.
FFather
[angrily exits the house and walks to the van] Hey! You in the van!
Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.
FFather
I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere! [mistakenly grabs Kip by the shirt collar, pulls him out of the van, and starts beating him up]
[getting beaten up as Carlinda watches while cringing] My blouse! Ouch! Jeez!
Your Majesty? [looks down in the hole, and finds some romantic items in there; reads the note] "Close your eyes and make a wish. Love, your Queen." [closes his eyes and a hand touches him on the shoulder] Nicole! [opens his eyes and turns around to see…] Pedro?!
[unhappy] I thought you were putting things on hold. You lied to me, Napoleon.
I don't care. Get out of here. I'm about to have a secret dinner with my woman.
In a hole?
It's not a hole. It's our love dungeon.
Well, I don't think she loves you. Look, [picks up the fruit basket] her apples are fake.
Don't worry, Pedro. She'll be back.
You're crazy, Napoleon! Even the earthworms are laughing at us! [Two earthworms giggle at them] You begged me to come, Napoleon. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!
Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate! Curtis never would've let this happen to me! He knew how to bridle my passions.
Well, I'm not Curtis. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez and you have shamed and betrayed me! [spits dirt dust in Napoleon's face]
I don't care how many names you have! You're dead!
[They both start head-butting each other, which the noise makes its way over to Rico's van, and wakes him up with his wolf-ear]
Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble! Man, I love my wolf-ear.
Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?
[smiles in agreement] Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!
That daughter's pretty hot.
Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!
Rude.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Napoleon Dynamite pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.