Napoleon quotes from Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon

[reading the instructions on the tube] "Warning… Physical side-effects include: Bad breath, B.O., lust, increased pain threshold, and fits of unbridled rage." Yeah, right.

Napoleon

These are ligers? I should've picked prison snitch. [A woodpecker pecks on his forehead] What have you done to the ligers? They're so peaceful and decroded!

Napoleon

[after the mama liger gives birth to a liger cub] I'm not fainting about this. I'm fainting about something else.

Napoleon

Kip! There's no monsters! Turn the light off! [A truck horn blares and he sits up, seeing a truck driving towards him] TRUCK!!!

Napoleon

You better not eat that breast, Kip.

Kip

Try and stop me, Napoleon.

Napoleon

[quickly picks up a biscuit, threatening to throw it at him] You do, you die.

Kip

What?

Napoleon

You do, you die. I'm sick of you always taking my stuff, Kip.

Kip

Name three times in chronological order.

Napoleon

Okay.

Wah!

Kip

[cutting in front of him] Here's my list. You look tired, Santa. Take a break.

Thanks! [gets up from his chair and leaves]

Napoleon

Wait, Santa!

Scram! Santa'll be back next year.

Napoleon

What?

Holy crap! What happened to your forehead?!

Napoleon

Kip hucked some chicken skin at me, and it gave me a butt load of zits. He's always disrespecting me 'cause he's jealous of my sweet body. [squashes a fly on his chest, killing it]

[disgusted] Napoleon, your face is making me sick. Go into the bathroom and pop those things.

Napoleon

I already tried. They're not ready yet. [tries popping one on his forehead] See?

You're not doing it right. Get over here. [smacks Kip in the back of his head]

Kip

Jeez!

[in unison] Hold still. Hold still!

Napoleon

[in unison] Ow, ow! Stop! It kills! Dang it!

Well, the roots are too deep. They're digging into the skull.

Napoleon

I told you they weren't ready.

Kip

Try stabbing it with a blade.

Good idea, Kipper. [takes out her knife as Kip uses a lighter, flaming the blade]

Napoleon

[runs out of the house in his underwear and bear slippers] You guys are idiots!

Napoleon

[looking at his reflection in the boys' bathroom] What's happening to me? [Pedro then enters, drinking a slushy] Hey, Pedro, could you pour some of your turbo slush on my zits? I think the caffeine might kill some of the germs.

Pedro

No problem. [pours his slushy on Napoleon's forehead] I think it's working.

Napoleon

What's that over there?

Rex

I'll answer that question in seven years…when you're ready.

Napoleon

Come on, tell me.

Rex

Oh, all right. That's the Thundercone.

Pedro

I've heard people die there, like 20 times a day.

Napoleon

Sweet!

Napoleon

Pedro, I can't find my Rack-U-Tane anywhere! There's no way I can fight without it!

Pedro

Oh, well. At least your skin is clear.

Kip

[entering the bedroom] What are you still doing here, Napoleon? I thought you had a big fight to impress the woman you stole from me.

Napoleon

She has a name, Kip. I just don't know what it is.

Kip

Oh. That must be the ride I arranged for you.

Rex

[pounding from outside the front door; off-screen] DYNAMITE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

Napoleon

Oh, man! It's Rex! Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea! [quickly hides under his bed]

Kip

He's right here, Rex. Hiding under his bed.

Napoleon

Kip, shut up!

Rex

[pulls Napoleon out from under the bed] Nobody turns their back on the Thundercone! You're gonna fight whether you want to or not! [drags Napoleon out of his room by the ankles]

Pedro

Be careful. He has diarrhea.

Napoleon

Kip, this is gonna be the easiest fight of my life.

Kip

[takes out the Rack-U-Tane] Is it, Napoleon?

Napoleon

You stole my Rack-U-Tane!

Kip

You stole my Misty.

I love when guys fight over me.

Deb

Yeah, me too.

Napoleon

Screw you, Kip!

Kip

All right. But first, let me unscrew the cap on this tube.

Napoleon

I am SO gonna apply my skills to beat you!

Kip

Perhaps. Right after I apply the last of this rage cream to my face.

Napoleon

Quit cleverly twisting my words!

Stop talking, start punching!

Kip

Prepare to be humiliated in front of Misty.

Napoleon

Thanks, Kip. I couldn't have chickened out with a better guy.

Kip

Can we make up later? I can't run and talk at the same time.

Rex

Kill 'em, honey bunch!

I love you, Starla!

Napoleon

So, Pedro, the other day, I found like, a scientist's secret diary, and it said if you burp, sneeze, fart, and yawn at the same time, you explode.

Pedro

Science is amazing.

Kip

B.S., Napoleon, scientists don't keep diaries. They have logs. Secondly, I know two people who have snee-furped and lived to blog about it.

Napoleon

Well, they're liars! All the air leaving your body would create a super-vacuum and turn you into an upside-down blood fountain. GOSH!

Rico

[driving by in his van] This is the dumbest argument I have ever heard. Let's try it and see who's right.

Pedro

[using a stethoscope to hear the rumbling and gurgling sounds in Napoleon's stomach] The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.

Rico

Initiating pepper cloud. [sprays a pepper cloud on Napoleon's face]

Kip

Any last words, Napoleon?

Napoleon

Pedro, if I die, have a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.

Pedro

As you wish.

Kip

Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.

[coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at? [looks up, seeing Napoleon about to fall on her]

Napoleon

[falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on her, breaking the picnic table]

[grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.

Napoleon

[gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.

Kip

Are you okay, Grandma?

No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!

Rico

Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!

Napoleon

$28?! I'll never have that kind of money!

Rico

Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!

Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.

Napoleon

What about Kip?

Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.

Napoleon

Why can't I be your eyes?

Kip

Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say, a baby's hand looks like a starfish.

Rico

Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.

Napoleon

[running past his house, calling his grandma through the window] Hey, Grandma, I just got a sweet new job! [to Kip] Kip, you suck!

Kip

Well, that was uncalled for. [closes the blinds]

Pedro

I'm not sitting with her.

Deb

And I'm not sitting with him.

Napoleon

[sighs] I hate sitting alone.