You better not eat that breast, Kip.
KipTry and stop me, Napoleon.
[quickly picks up a biscuit, threatening to throw it at him] You do, you die.
Kip
What?
You do, you die. I'm sick of you always taking my stuff, Kip.
Kip
Name three times in chronological order.
[First flashback shows Kip taking Baby Napoleon's pacifier]
[Second flashback shows 5-year-old Napoleon waiting in line to meet Santa Claus with his wishlist]
Kip
[cutting in front of him] Here's my list. You look tired, Santa. Take a break.
SSanta
Thanks! [gets up from his chair and leaves]
EElf
Scram! Santa'll be back next year.
[Napoleon enters the living room with zits on his forehead as Kip and Carlinda gasp at him]
Holy crap! What happened to your forehead?!
Kip hucked some chicken skin at me, and it gave me a butt load of zits. He's always disrespecting me 'cause he's jealous of my sweet body. [squashes a fly on his chest, killing it]
[disgusted] Napoleon, your face is making me sick. Go into the bathroom and pop those things.
I already tried. They're not ready yet. [tries popping one on his forehead] See?
You're not doing it right. Get over here. [smacks Kip in the back of his head]
Kip
Jeez!
[Napoleon sits down and Carlinda starts trying to pop the zits]
[in unison] Hold still. Hold still!
[in unison] Ow, ow! Stop! It kills! Dang it!
Well, the roots are too deep. They're digging into the skull.
I told you they weren't ready.
Kip
Try stabbing it with a blade.
Good idea, Kipper. [takes out her knife as Kip uses a lighter, flaming the blade]
[runs out of the house in his underwear and bear slippers] You guys are idiots!
[Napoleon and Pedro are in his bedroom while he searches everywhere for his Rack-U-Tane]
Pedro, I can't find my Rack-U-Tane anywhere! There's no way I can fight without it!
Oh, well. At least your skin is clear.
Kip
[entering the bedroom] What are you still doing here, Napoleon? I thought you had a big fight to impress the woman you stole from me.
She has a name, Kip. I just don't know what it is.
[Doorbell rings]
Kip
Oh. That must be the ride I arranged for you.
[pounding from outside the front door; off-screen] DYNAMITE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Oh, man! It's Rex! Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea! [quickly hides under his bed]
Kip
He's right here, Rex. Hiding under his bed.
[pulls Napoleon out from under the bed] Nobody turns their back on the Thundercone! You're gonna fight whether you want to or not! [drags Napoleon out of his room by the ankles]
Be careful. He has diarrhea.
Kip, this is gonna be the easiest fight of my life.
Kip
[takes out the Rack-U-Tane] Is it, Napoleon?
You stole my Rack-U-Tane!
Kip
You stole my Misty.
MMisty
I love when guys fight over me.
Kip
All right. But first, let me unscrew the cap on this tube.
I am SO gonna apply my skills to beat you!
Kip
Perhaps. Right after I apply the last of this rage cream to my face.
Quit cleverly twisting my words!
MMisty
Stop talking, start punching!
Kip
Prepare to be humiliated in front of Misty.
[Napoleon and Kip run through the cornfield after escaping the Thundercone and the angry mob chases after them]
Thanks, Kip. I couldn't have chickened out with a better guy.
Kip
Can we make up later? I can't run and talk at the same time.
[They dodge a pitchfork which nearly hits them; Starla roars]
MMisty
I love you, Starla!
So, Pedro, the other day, I found like, a scientist's secret diary, and it said if you burp, sneeze, fart, and yawn at the same time, you explode.
Kip
B.S., Napoleon, scientists don't keep diaries. They have logs. Secondly, I know two people who have snee-furped and lived to blog about it.
Well, they're liars! All the air leaving your body would create a super-vacuum and turn you into an upside-down blood fountain. GOSH!
[driving by in his van] This is the dumbest argument I have ever heard. Let's try it and see who's right.
[Napoleon lays on a wooden table chugging a whole bottle of root beer]
[using a stethoscope to hear the rumbling and gurgling sounds in Napoleon's stomach] The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.
Initiating pepper cloud. [sprays a pepper cloud on Napoleon's face]
Kip
Any last words, Napoleon?
Pedro, if I die, have a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.
Kip
Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.
[Napoleon groans and grunts as his stomach rumbles and passes wind, launching himself into the sky]
[coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at? [looks up, seeing Napoleon about to fall on her]
[falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on her, breaking the picnic table]
[grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.
[gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.
Kip
Are you okay, Grandma?
No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!
Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!
$28?! I'll never have that kind of money!
Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!
Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.
Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.
[Her POV shows her vision all blurry]
Why can't I be your eyes?
Kip
Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say, a baby's hand looks like a starfish.
Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.
[putting on his racing suit] Check it out, Napoleon. It's aerodynamic and snug in all the right places.
[disgusted] Gross! You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings.
I also got science on my side. This bracelet has a magnet in it. I bought it from a SkyMall catalog I found at the site of a plane crash.
You can wear all the magic crap you want. This is my race, Rico! That's why I'm in the Preston Garden of Fame.
Kip
Yeah, next to Preston's first monogamist couple.
And the astronaut whose car broke down here.
Wow. That got that up quick.
Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…
You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?
Kip
You know it, G.
[They drive off in Rico's van as the sun sets]
All right, what's the plan?
Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.
[unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.
Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.
[Rico's van parks in front of a family's house dining room window]
Rico, what are you doing?! I wanna watch TV!
When you live in a van, the whole world is your personal television set.
I do love my trashy family dramas.
Well, enjoy the latest episode of "329 Oneida Street." [turns on the radio for background music as the family eat dinner at the table from inside the house] Okay, let me get you caught up. Last week, that girl there, she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.
Kip
That's not good.
And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her, but he's just being secretive 'cause he's planning her birthday party. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.
[as the father sees them and gets up from the table, walking to the front door] This is my kind of show.
FFather
[angrily exits the house and walks to the van] Hey! You in the van!
Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.
FFather
I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere! [mistakenly grabs Kip by the shirt collar, pulls him out of the van, and starts beating him up]
Kip
[getting beaten up as Carlinda watches while cringing] My blouse! Ouch! Jeez!
Kip
Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?
[smiles in agreement] Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!
That daughter's pretty hot.
Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!
Napoleon Dynamite · 30 quotes
