A character in Napoleon Dynamite
Played by Efren Ramirez
Napoleon Dynamite · 30 quotes
Tied for 3rd most-quoted character in Napoleon Dynamite: in 11 of its 30 quotes
Most scenes with: Napoleon (10), Rico (5), Kip (4)
[looking at his reflection in the boys' bathroom] What's happening to me? [Pedro then enters, drinking a slushy] Hey, Pedro, could you pour some of your turbo slush on my zits? I think the caffeine might kill some of the germs.
PedroNo problem. [pours his slushy on Napoleon's forehead] I think it's working.
What's that over there?
I'll answer that question in seven years…when you're ready.
Come on, tell me.
Oh, all right. That's the Thundercone.
[Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes]
PedroI've heard people die there, like 20 times a day.
Sweet!
[Napoleon and Pedro are in his bedroom while he searches everywhere for his Rack-U-Tane]
Pedro, I can't find my Rack-U-Tane anywhere! There's no way I can fight without it!
PedroOh, well. At least your skin is clear.
[entering the bedroom] What are you still doing here, Napoleon? I thought you had a big fight to impress the woman you stole from me.
She has a name, Kip. I just don't know what it is.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh. That must be the ride I arranged for you.
[pounding from outside the front door; off-screen] DYNAMITE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Oh, man! It's Rex! Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea! [quickly hides under his bed]
He's right here, Rex. Hiding under his bed.
Kip, shut up!
[pulls Napoleon out from under the bed] Nobody turns their back on the Thundercone! You're gonna fight whether you want to or not! [drags Napoleon out of his room by the ankles]
PedroBe careful. He has diarrhea.
Summer x Pedro.
Pedro[romantically] ¡Hijole!
[shocked] What?!
[dismayed and devastated] NO!
Napoleon x Tokiko.
So, Pedro, the other day, I found like, a scientist's secret diary, and it said if you burp, sneeze, fart, and yawn at the same time, you explode.
PedroScience is amazing.
B.S., Napoleon, scientists don't keep diaries. They have logs. Secondly, I know two people who have snee-furped and lived to blog about it.
Well, they're liars! All the air leaving your body would create a super-vacuum and turn you into an upside-down blood fountain. GOSH!
[driving by in his van] This is the dumbest argument I have ever heard. Let's try it and see who's right.
[Napoleon lays on a wooden table chugging a whole bottle of root beer]
Pedro[using a stethoscope to hear the rumbling and gurgling sounds in Napoleon's stomach] The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.
Initiating pepper cloud. [sprays a pepper cloud on Napoleon's face]
Any last words, Napoleon?
Pedro, if I die, have a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.
PedroAs you wish.
Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.
[Napoleon groans and grunts as his stomach rumbles and passes wind, launching himself into the sky]
[coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at? [looks up, seeing Napoleon about to fall on her]
[falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on her, breaking the picnic table]
[grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.
[gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.
Are you okay, Grandma?
No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!
Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!
$28?! I'll never have that kind of money!
Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!
Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.
What about Kip?
Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.
[Her POV shows her vision all blurry]
Why can't I be your eyes?
Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say, a baby's hand looks like a starfish.
Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.
PedroI'm not sitting with her.
And I'm not sitting with him.
[sighs] I hate sitting alone.
[Napoleon and Rico are being interviewed at the Main Street Grill after winning the Bed Race]
And that's when I knew I won the Bed Race fair and square. Any questions?
[raises her hand] Deb Bradshaw, Preston High School Bugle. Napoleon, what advice do you have for young people?
Follow your dreams. Also, never throw a water balloon at a pickup truck. There might be a judge inside.
PedroAs student body president, I present you with a lifetime hall pass. This is good for any hall in the school.
Sweet! What about stairwells?
PedroI'm not God, Napoleon.
Rico, in honor of your great victory today, I'm taking down that picture you hate so much.
The one that says, "Do not take checks from this man?"
No. This one. [takes down the picture of a teenage Rico losing a football game and replaces it with the one of him and Napoleon crossing the finish line]
Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…
You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?
You know it, G.
To the convent!
[They drive off in Rico's van as the sun sets]
All right, what's the plan?
Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.
Pedro[unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.
Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.
PedroOy.
Your Majesty? [looks down in the hole, and finds some romantic items in there; reads the note] "Close your eyes and make a wish. Love, your Queen." [closes his eyes and a hand touches him on the shoulder] Nicole! [opens his eyes and turns around to see…] Pedro?!
Pedro[unhappy] I thought you were putting things on hold. You lied to me, Napoleon.
I don't care. Get out of here. I'm about to have a secret dinner with my woman.
PedroIn a hole?
It's not a hole. It's our love dungeon.
PedroWell, I don't think she loves you. Look, [picks up the fruit basket] her apples are fake.
Don't worry, Pedro. She'll be back.
PedroYou're crazy, Napoleon! Even the earthworms are laughing at us! [Two earthworms giggle at them] You begged me to come, Napoleon. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!
Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate! Curtis never would've let this happen to me! He knew how to bridle my passions.
PedroWell, I'm not Curtis. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez and you have shamed and betrayed me! [spits dirt dust in Napoleon's face]
I don't care how many names you have! You're dead!
[They both start head-butting each other, which the noise makes its way over to Rico's van, and wakes him up with his wolf-ear]
Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble! Man, I love my wolf-ear.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Napoleon Dynamite pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
