So, Pedro, the other day, I found like, a scientist's secret diary, and it said if you burp, sneeze, fart, and yawn at the same time, you explode.
B.S., Napoleon, scientists don't keep diaries. They have logs. Secondly, I know two people who have snee-furped and lived to blog about it.
Well, they're liars! All the air leaving your body would create a super-vacuum and turn you into an upside-down blood fountain. GOSH!
Rico[driving by in his van] This is the dumbest argument I have ever heard. Let's try it and see who's right.
[Napoleon lays on a wooden table chugging a whole bottle of root beer]
[using a stethoscope to hear the rumbling and gurgling sounds in Napoleon's stomach] The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.
Rico
Initiating pepper cloud. [sprays a pepper cloud on Napoleon's face]
Any last words, Napoleon?
Pedro, if I die, have a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.
Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.
[Napoleon groans and grunts as his stomach rumbles and passes wind, launching himself into the sky]
[coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at? [looks up, seeing Napoleon about to fall on her]
[falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on her, breaking the picnic table]
[grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.
[gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.
No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!
Rico
Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!
$28?! I'll never have that kind of money!
Rico
Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!
Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.
Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.
[Her POV shows her vision all blurry]
Why can't I be your eyes?
Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say, a baby's hand looks like a starfish.
Rico
Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.
Rico
[putting on his racing suit] Check it out, Napoleon. It's aerodynamic and snug in all the right places.
[disgusted] Gross! You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings.
Rico
I also got science on my side. This bracelet has a magnet in it. I bought it from a SkyMall catalog I found at the site of a plane crash.
You can wear all the magic crap you want. This is my race, Rico! That's why I'm in the Preston Garden of Fame.
Yeah, next to Preston's first monogamist couple.
And the astronaut whose car broke down here.
Wow. That got that up quick.
[Napoleon and Rico are being interviewed at the Main Street Grill after winning the Bed Race]
Rico
And that's when I knew I won the Bed Race fair and square. Any questions?
[raises her hand] Deb Bradshaw, Preston High School Bugle. Napoleon, what advice do you have for young people?
Follow your dreams. Also, never throw a water balloon at a pickup truck. There might be a judge inside.
As student body president, I present you with a lifetime hall pass. This is good for any hall in the school.
Sweet! What about stairwells?
CECowboy Employee
Rico, in honor of your great victory today, I'm taking down that picture you hate so much.
Rico
The one that says, "Do not take checks from this man?"
CECowboy Employee
No. This one. [takes down the picture of a teenage Rico losing a football game and replaces it with the one of him and Napoleon crossing the finish line]
CChef
[offering Rico a sandwich he made for him] Rico, I made a special sandwich, named it after you.
Rico
Really? What's it called?
Rico
Hey, that's my name!
CChef
It's got crawfish, peanuts, and strawberries.
Aren't you allergic to all those things?
Rico
Yeah, but how often do you get a sandwich named after you? [takes a bite of the sandwich and his face swells up; muffled] Delicious. Such an honor.
We need to talk, without any broads around. [To Candy] No offense, my lady.
Rico
Here's the key to the snack bar. Go get yourself a "Tobleroney."
[Candy gets up and walks to the snack bar]
And a box of Dots! [To Rico] Rico, I'm kind of feeling guilty. We need to tell Grandma we cheated.
Rico
Oh, no, we don't. You like not paying for your dragon figurines?
Rico
You enjoy roaming the halls at school like an escaped gorilla at the zoo?
Rico
Then best you keep your mouth shut.
But, I'm worried about Grandma! I think her brain is broken.
Rico
What about your Uncle Rico? This is the happiest I've ever been! Look at me, with a girl in a movie theater on a Saturday night. I'm like the goll-dang president!
CCandy
[To Napoleon] I'm sorry, did you say Dots or Duds?
Rico
I'm serious, Napoleon. The town even wants to put one of them bush statues of me in the Garden of Fame. Please don't take all this away from me. I don't wanna die alone in that van.
CCandy
[returns and mistakenly gives Napoleon a box of Duds] Here's your Duds.
[Napoleon annoyingly groans loudly and leaves the theater, fuming]
Rico
Oh, man, I wouldn't want to be whoever she's mad at.
Rico
[gasps; nervously] Now, Carlinda, I can explain.
Rico
[sadly obliges] Yes, ma'am. [puts his head under her arm]
I believe you have something to tell my fans. [lowers down the microphone to him]
Rico
[talks into the microphone; to the crowd] After giving it much thought, I've decided I can no longer go on with this charade. I cheated in the Bed Race.
[The townspeople gasp in complete shock]
MOMayor Odell
Rico, give back your key to the city.
[Rico takes out his keychain from his pocket and struggles to get the city key out and sadly hands it over]
Rico
Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…
You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?
[They drive off in Rico's van as the sun sets]
Rico
All right, what's the plan?
Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.
[unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.
Rico
Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.
[Rico's van parks in front of a family's house dining room window]
Rico, what are you doing?! I wanna watch TV!
Rico
When you live in a van, the whole world is your personal television set.
I do love my trashy family dramas.
Rico
Well, enjoy the latest episode of "329 Oneida Street." [turns on the radio for background music as the family eat dinner at the table from inside the house] Okay, let me get you caught up. Last week, that girl there, she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.
Rico
And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her, but he's just being secretive 'cause he's planning her birthday party. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.
[as the father sees them and gets up from the table, walking to the front door] This is my kind of show.
FFather
[angrily exits the house and walks to the van] Hey! You in the van!
Rico
Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.
FFather
I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere! [mistakenly grabs Kip by the shirt collar, pulls him out of the van, and starts beating him up]
[getting beaten up as Carlinda watches while cringing] My blouse! Ouch! Jeez!
Don't worry, Pedro. She'll be back.
You're crazy, Napoleon! Even the earthworms are laughing at us! [Two earthworms giggle at them] You begged me to come, Napoleon. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!
Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate! Curtis never would've let this happen to me! He knew how to bridle my passions.
Well, I'm not Curtis. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez and you have shamed and betrayed me! [spits dirt dust in Napoleon's face]
I don't care how many names you have! You're dead!
[They both start head-butting each other, which the noise makes its way over to Rico's van, and wakes him up with his wolf-ear]
Rico
Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble! Man, I love my wolf-ear.
Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?
Rico
[smiles in agreement] Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!
That daughter's pretty hot.
Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!
Napoleon Dynamite · 30 quotes
