Grandma Carlinda quotes from Napoleon Dynamite

Is that jerky? [eats a jerky stick]

Napoleon

What?

Holy crap! What happened to your forehead?!

Napoleon

Kip hucked some chicken skin at me, and it gave me a butt load of zits. He's always disrespecting me 'cause he's jealous of my sweet body. [squashes a fly on his chest, killing it]

[disgusted] Napoleon, your face is making me sick. Go into the bathroom and pop those things.

Napoleon

I already tried. They're not ready yet. [tries popping one on his forehead] See?

You're not doing it right. Get over here. [smacks Kip in the back of his head]

Kip

Jeez!

[in unison] Hold still. Hold still!

Napoleon

[in unison] Ow, ow! Stop! It kills! Dang it!

Well, the roots are too deep. They're digging into the skull.

Napoleon

I told you they weren't ready.

Kip

Try stabbing it with a blade.

Good idea, Kipper. [takes out her knife as Kip uses a lighter, flaming the blade]

Napoleon

[runs out of the house in his underwear and bear slippers] You guys are idiots!

Pedro

[using a stethoscope to hear the rumbling and gurgling sounds in Napoleon's stomach] The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.

Rico

Initiating pepper cloud. [sprays a pepper cloud on Napoleon's face]

Kip

Any last words, Napoleon?

Napoleon

Pedro, if I die, have a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.

Pedro

As you wish.

Kip

Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.

[coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at? [looks up, seeing Napoleon about to fall on her]

Napoleon

[falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on her, breaking the picnic table]

[grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.

Napoleon

[gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.

Kip

Are you okay, Grandma?

No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!

Rico

Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!

Napoleon

$28?! I'll never have that kind of money!

Rico

Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!

Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.

Napoleon

What about Kip?

Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.

Napoleon

Why can't I be your eyes?

Kip

Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say, a baby's hand looks like a starfish.

Rico

Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.

Rico

[putting on his racing suit] Check it out, Napoleon. It's aerodynamic and snug in all the right places.

Napoleon

[disgusted] Gross! You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings.

Rico

I also got science on my side. This bracelet has a magnet in it. I bought it from a SkyMall catalog I found at the site of a plane crash.

You can wear all the magic crap you want. This is my race, Rico! That's why I'm in the Preston Garden of Fame.

Kip

Yeah, next to Preston's first monogamist couple.

And the astronaut whose car broke down here.

Napoleon

Wow. That got that up quick.

Tell her!

Napoleon

You can't talk, I'm awake.

You're daydreaming. Now snap out of it and tell her!

Napoleon

Grandma, I can't take it anymore! Rico and I cheated! You should've won that race!

What are you saying?

Napoleon

I'm saying, Rico and I cheated. You should've won that race!

I knew I wasn't an old lady. To the Garden of Fame!

Napoleon

How are we gonna get there? You gave your car to the Lord.

I know something faster than a car.

Rico

Oh, man, I wouldn't want to be whoever she's mad at.

[fiercely] Rico!

Rico

[gasps; nervously] Now, Carlinda, I can explain.

Get your head in here.

Rico

[sadly obliges] Yes, ma'am. [puts his head under her arm]

I believe you have something to tell my fans. [lowers down the microphone to him]

Rico

[talks into the microphone; to the crowd] After giving it much thought, I've decided I can no longer go on with this charade. I cheated in the Bed Race.

Rico, give back your key to the city.

Rico

Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…

You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?

Kip

You know it, G.

To the convent!

Rico

All right, what's the plan?

Napoleon

Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.

Pedro

[unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.

Rico

Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.

Pedro

Oy.

Rico, what are you doing?! I wanna watch TV!

Rico

When you live in a van, the whole world is your personal television set.

I do love my trashy family dramas.

Rico

Well, enjoy the latest episode of "329 Oneida Street." [turns on the radio for background music as the family eat dinner at the table from inside the house] Okay, let me get you caught up. Last week, that girl there, she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.

Kip

That's not good.

Rico

And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her, but he's just being secretive 'cause he's planning her birthday party. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.

[as the father sees them and gets up from the table, walking to the front door] This is my kind of show.

[angrily exits the house and walks to the van] Hey! You in the van!

Rico

Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.

I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere! [mistakenly grabs Kip by the shirt collar, pulls him out of the van, and starts beating him up]

Kip

[getting beaten up as Carlinda watches while cringing] My blouse! Ouch! Jeez!

Kip

Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?

Rico

[smiles in agreement] Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!

Napoleon

That daughter's pretty hot.

Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!

Napoleon

Rude.