[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]
CCrow
Honk if you love Eegah!
Hi, Roxie!
JAJoel [as Tommy]
Sorry about my face!!
S5Eegah
[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
CCrow
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
[patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
CCrow
I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
CCrow
Well, I hate him, naturally.
Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
CCrow
Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
CCrow
Or when they 86'd Jarts!
I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
CCrow
Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
CCrow
Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.
CCrow
I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.
Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
CACrow [as Goliath]
Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?
[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
He's wearing corrective everything!
[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]
Roxie! It's me, Tom!
JAJoel [as Roxie]
That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!
[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
MDr. Miller
He left the road right here.
MDr. Miller
[ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Who said that?!
[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]
Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
SAServo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]
Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.
[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]
I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully.
[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]
RRoxie
Um... how do you do?
CACrow [as corpse]
I'm really, really dead.
[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]
Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!
[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]
Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
CCrow
That purse will be the death of him!
[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
CACrow [as Eegah]
[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
CSCrow and Servo
[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
[singing] I can't fight this feelin'...
[Over a shot of a dress store]:
CCrow
It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
JAJoel [as Announcer]
The Loretta Young Show!
[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]
CACrow [as The Cryptkeeper]
Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! [chuckles] Why not stick around and watch Dream On? It's the breast show on TV! [to Joel] Kill me.
[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
CACrow [as Eegah]
[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
CSCrow and Servo
[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
[singing] I can't stop this feelin'...
S5I Accuse My Parents
[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]
Easter Bunny films presents...
"Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
CCrow
Wonder if they sold this film door to door?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.